Movement is a privilege

Today I was reminded yet again of the privilege of moving, of having the ability to move; of having a body.  Today I danced without fear, without stimulants, without anxiety, without judgment and without a care.  As I danced I became mindful of how amazing it feels for me to be able to move with that much freedom again.  That mindfulness filled me with joy and gratitude which led to even more expressive movement of my body.  I could not help but beam as I swayed in time to the energy of the beat.

In 2006, at the age of 37, I lost control of my body.  My back, my bladder, my bowels, and my legs all gave up and forced me to rest and become mindful.  I was in constant pain and frightened all the time.  I was depressed, ashamed and almost lost hope.  Specialists wrote me off, one after another and convinced me I had no hope of things improving.  I was put onto a disability pension and sent to hydrotherapy, told not to use gym equipment, not to swim and not to get my hopes too high.  I was told I would never work again and I hated my body for all of this and more.  

One day I decided to dance to a song and my body began to scream in pain almost straight away.  As I explored what feeling the pain was masking, I realised it was fear.  I also realised that even though it hurt, if I danced anyway, at least I could have some joy too.  The pain I felt in my hips turned out to be fear that if someone saw me dancing, they might think I was making it up about my disability and I really wasn't.  I felt ashamed of being disabled and lived in constant fear that other people would shame me too.  It did not happen and I decided that if I WAS going to end up being completely unable to move one day, I would dance at least one more time first.  I did, just one song and then, I sat and rested, took some painkillers, had a snooze and a hot shower and thanked myself for the gift of dancing.  Then I danced for 1 song, once a month, for the next 5 years and today was the culmination of all of those one songs.  Today I remembered with gratitude how afraid I used to be and how blessed I am now to be able to dance to one song, to have control of my bladder and bowel, to be able to vacuum and sweep, to be able to walk.  Being so disabled for 7 years taught me some very important and timely lessons and now, with very little pain and quite a lot of joy, I will dance to one song every time I get the chance and I will love doing it too.

At+Onement 

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