I lived in hell for decades, every moment I experienced was terrifying to me and I rejected life because I couldn't see past that terror inside. As I adapted to life in hell, it would all change and I'd be back in the chaos of the unknown and incomprehensible. Day after day, week after week, year after year, decade after decade I tumbled, fell and rose up again. Each time I got back up I was just a little wiser, stronger and more loving, more aware and mindful. Quite a few times hell slammed me back upon myself so hard that I lay in a crumpled heap inside myself begging for mercy, pleading to die and end the agony.
Today I'm grateful for that hell. Today I see how I created it, how even those prayers created it. I didn't understand then that my pleas to die were heard metaphorically. I died and died and died and died and then I died all over again. As a spiritual 'child', I had the idea that the only way to die was if my body stopped functioning. With the awareness I have now I recognise death in every moment, every new realisation, for death is never going to be about my body. My body has died repeatedly already but 'I' have not, so death will not come as my body. My ego however, my 'I', the 'me' that I THINK myself to be, that does die over and over again within every moment, just as its reborn every moment too. Each moment is a complete lifetime in itself and I am the creator of it as well as the observer, the star, the choreographer, director, producer, chorus, projector, reflector and more. My 'I' and my 'I AM' self are one but not, separate but united and beautifully balanced within and without. When I lived in hell I had no perception of that whatsoever. My own darkness prevented the Light from illuminating my own truth. My own choice to protect my heart from pain, shut off the eternal flow of Love that has always been present. Each choice I made, conscious or unconscious, either lifted me out of the darkness or slammed me back against the wall again.
For decades I hated that hell and everything in it, I hated myself even more. It was easy to blame hell for my pain while I was burning in the flames. It was easy to look out and judge others with the righteous certainty I perceived of my own complete innocence. Once I began to parent the child 'me' though, I found the courage to get back up again and face that fire. With time, love, determination and will, I chose to pour myself into that fire again and walk through those flames to the coals at its centre, at my centre. I walked in those coals and stood burning, I sat there, I wrote there, I felt there, I slept there, and I lived there, I even made love in those coals and I took my power back. I showed myself the heaven of hell and I proved to myself that my perception of hell was as much an illusion as my perception of fear was.
Love/Light is the only Truth for me and all things come from Love/Light. When I believed in my fear, I blamed hell for what I experienced because I was not ready to accept pain as a teacher or a friend. I was not ready to love pain too and now I am. I'm not looking for pain, I'm not inviting it in, I'm not asking for pain of any kind, I've just made peace with it and I respect it's Grace. I have been chaperoned by pain in many disguises throughout most of this lifetime and it, above all else has taught me humility, love, forgiveness, awareness, mindfulness, truth, responsibility, gratitude, and even joy. I parented myself with pain when I knew no better and now I can take the reigns back to re-parent with love. I no longer fear nor need to fear, my shadow reflected back to me in others because I accept my shadow completely and all other aspects of myself as well, with unconditional positive love and regard.
As the darkness arises, I see it for what I believe it to be - the absence of Light and I raise myself up again to stand at the coal face, filled with Love, Light and Peace. I stand sure, ready and determined to send out Love and Light to all of creation and beyond as others learn now what I myself have learned. May all beings be happy and free.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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