Healing

I'm becoming more amazed by my body and the incredible vehicle it is every day.  I'm also finding more and more depth and simplicity in healing than I had previously known.  Learning to love and accept myself as I am has supported so much growth.  Yesterday I got a cluster headache while visiting a friend and while I was held in the moment with awareness of pain, I did not 'suffer'.  I was able to stay present, mindful and open for the first time ever.  I saw many more layers of that onion revealed to me and, on the drive home afterwards, I saw the positives in getting that cluster right then too.  I have been aware this past 4 weeks of a difference in this cycle of clusters.  They are originating from my spine and I can feel it.  Historically there were so many factors feeding in to the pain that I was simply overwhelmed and terrified of the sheer agony of it all.  This time though, it's very clear to me that it's just energy releasing from my body.  Considering how painful it is, I'm grateful to my body for releasing it even if it does hurt like hell.  At least it's releasing!

Driving home I allowed my mind to explore what energy was actually sitting in the pain and it was 'shame'.  Acknowledging this shone a light on why I got a cluster while out with a friend - I've always felt ashamed and guilty over my suffering before.  I used to blame myself for it and so isolate myself during suffering and try to tell myself to get over it and not allow anyone else to be affected by it.  It was of course impossible but I didn't know that then.  Yesterday I saw that energy of shame in my minds eye, sitting forlornly in the middle of my spine and I allowed it to coalesce and move up and out of my body as I breathed it all out.  I cried for a moment with sadness and relief and then did some ho'oponopono to myself to soothe and seal the love inside.  Upon doing this, my heart opened more and I saw how the old way I had learned to process emotion no longer serves me or my Inner Child.

I had previously learned, with huge healing and success, to go back to the first time I felt a feeling to release the emotion trapped in my body and, for a time it worked fabulously.  I was able to feed my ego by blaming my birth family and perpetrators for the emotions I have today.  Yesterday my Inner Child revealed to me that ego was happy with that method because it was 'blaming' but my Soul will no longer support that model.  It felt to the Child like being the pawn between divorcing parents and it doesn't feel loving or real to make the child blame anyone to get my approval.  There is NOone to blame for my feelings and, ALL feelings have something positive to acknowledge so what possible reason could there be for blame?  If anything, the events of my past have been helpful to my soul and so I'm now grateful for each of those experiences.  I got to really explore it when I then heard that someone I once deeply respected has been gossiping about me in a quite hurtful and public way lately and for a nanosecond I fell into taking it personally.  It happened just after the cluster stopped and I feel proud that although I felt hurt, I saw almost immediately that their behaviour tells the world who that person is, not who I am.  It also told me that I am that in some way so I explored that too and after acknowledging it, owning it and accepting it, I loved me as that and surrendered any guilt and shame while I was at it.  Then I prayed for the other person.  During the next few hours, my mind tried to pull it up again and draw me in so I just kept repeating the steps each time and the energy has just really shifted which feels so validating.

I'm sure this cycle of cluster headaches I'm having, the first in three years, are a positive attempt by my body to raise and release the trapped energy out of my body and, each day the energy is sitting somewhere else.  It started in the base of my spine 4 weeks ago and  is now up to my sinus so there's been huge progress and today I'm just allowing my body, mind and spirit to relax.  I feel so empowered over my new ability to heal at the deepest level I can imagine and I love the loving person I know myself to be.

RememberingUnity

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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu

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