There is an extremely fine line between judgement and discernment, between scepticism and trust, between certainty and faith. I feel as if my entire life has been the narrow ledge between. Times when I stumbled and slipped to one side or another and, like any gymnast or tight rope walker learning to master their craft, times when I fell right off and got covered in dust. Other times when I nailed it so surely only to slip on my own ego and get carried into over-confidence. Much as a baby learning to walk, I teetered through life learning and learning some more. Each step has been an infinitesimal and yet gargantuan action. Often my steps were re-actions, retracing steps repeatedly to gain the same footing but, each of those had their own vitality and purpose in the grand plan of me too.
For years I drowned in the sleepiness of unconsciously feeling unreal, not understanding that in that moment, unreal was who I was and that was okay too. Then I spent 12 more years excavating my ego and recognising the strength of it. I discovered my ego had in fact drawn on every interaction I'd had and compartmentalised every energy I'd felt. I also discovered that through mastering the art of dissociation, my ego had not yet learned how to integrate this incredible gift of knowledge so I set about learning how. I learned that for me the only way there, was to love myself: devotedly, faithfully, determinedly and purposefully.
At first I floundered because I had hated myself for so long and drawn that hate to me from those I loved. I had developed a very strong and powerful victim ego too and I had no awareness of it at all. I surrounded myself with others who supported and sustained that as I learned to recognise it for myself and create a new structure for it in self-love. It was very liberating, empowering and life-changing and I used elements of every healing modality I've ever heard of to bring it all together - to bring myself together. Last year I fell into place. I let go of my training bar, loved myself more than ever before and, having learned to trust, took my biggest leap of faith yet. I knew it was going to hurt. I knew it was going to burn. I knew it was going to be lonely and, I knew it was a huge ending, a death of what had been. My Highest Self warned me up front and I jumped in anyway because it was time, it IS time now. This is not the first time I've walked that part of the path but it is the first time I've done it consciously and willingly. I've heard it said that there's no second chances with life but for me there is and in fact, every moment is another chance to create life anew. Learning to love myself really is the greatest love of all and everything I once thought I knew is now foreign, outdated, nostalgic and redundant. None of it applies in the same way to this moment and yet it all helped to create this moment. It is all important and yet it's not either. Letting go and surrendering is profoundly exhilarating after the fall. I give thanks today for the strength of my ego that has always led me further, dug deeper, held on and let go.
I only know one person besides me who has ever had the strength to love my Shadow unconditionally and that's my husband. It was through his demonstration of love for me that showed me how to love myself, no matter what I uncovered. I balked at some aspects of myself, hated some, feared some, ignored some, avoided some, and flat out refused to acknowledge other parts of myself at all. But underneath all that fear, I saw that he loved me no matter how horribly I behaved. He had healthy boundaries and never accepted any disrespect and I need to see that too because it was totally foreign to me at the time. He stayed patient, centred, faithful and loving throughout my entire excavation and, then asked me to marry him!! Even after seeing the darkest dark I had, he still loved me the same. I have learned so much from him and from life itself.
I forgive myself for judging my ego through lack of understanding and I accept you ego as my dearest ally beloved. It is you who led me home to my Self, to my Soul, to my Divinity. Whatever has gone before and whatever will come, there is no greater gift than integrating the Self and loving all that is. Life is the greatest gift I can imagine.
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ॐ ॐ ॐॐ ॐ ॐ
lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu
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