27 Jul 2013
Anger is born from fear
Anger is an incredible emotion, it creates change, it starts movements, it feels powerful and it gets us moving BUT there is ALWAYS fear underneath anger....fear of failing, fear of pain, fear of being judged, fear of being hurt, fear of nothing changing, fear of everything changing, fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of fear, ALWAYS fear. Feel the anger and release the e-motion-go under it to the fear and life is so much less painful because anger is destructive and comes from the mind and not the heart -JP
17 Jul 2013
Letter to my 44 Year old self
Letter to my 44 Year old self.
Dear June
I am in awe of you. Looking back on all you have overcome and knowing your hopes and dreams for the future, I am inspired. You have such an incredible amount of courage, strength, determination, compassion and love and you see greatness in everyone you meet. I know you struggle and doubt yourself but even when you are ready to fall down or give up, you draw on your innate abilities and rise again even more determined than before. Your faith and hope is boundless and I am so proud of who you are. I care very deeply for you and I love seeing how much you now care for yourself. You have worked so incredibly hard for so long and given up so much, so many times and yet you still go on giving. It's wonderful to see you now giving to others instead of giving up. I wonder if you truly understand just how phenomenal you are? I see you accept compliments with grace and humility and I know you still fear ego lest you become vain and bitter, did you know that is another of your strengths? You strive valiantly to own each experience you have and to find a way to get off the blame-go-round. That supernova you are cannot be hidden or doused and you already know how much of your energy it takes to try that so look up dear one, shine your light and let go of your struggle because you are much, much more than your experiences. You are a divine creation who is living her divinity exactly as you were created in perfection to be. Let go, laugh loud and love on June, you're my inspiration and I love you. June xx
Truth
I once read a book which, astonishingly, I cannot yet remember the title or author of. I'm astonished by this because I usually have no problems with details like that, anyway....
In this book, the author wrote about his early days as a psyche, which went something like: he met a young woman who was completely unresponsive during his first residency. She had been in the ward for many months and interacted with no one. She was completely closed off and did not even acknowledge the presence if others. The young psyche decided to not read her file before meeting her and gaining insight first hand so as not to create an internal bias. The young psyche entered the session, made an introduction, informed her of her rights and how long the session would last and waited. The young woman did not respond, did not even look up. At the end of the session, the psyche took his leave. At the next session, the psyche again introduced himself, waited a few minutes and, when the woman again did not respond, opened up some work he'd brought with him and turned his attention to that, glancing up now and then to observe but not pushing anything. This went on exactly the same way for many sessions. One day, he entered, took out his work and, looking up, saw the young woman was watching him. He looked back at her and calmly waited. "God talks to me", she whispered anxiously. Without hesitating, the young psyche replied, "What does He say?" To which the young woman began to chatter incessantly about all manner of things that had been happening for her since long before. She explained how, God had started speaking to her and when she told her family, they were concerned and eventually brought her in to have her mental health assessed. Upon hearing what she had to share, she was assessed as needing hospitalisation and medication. All concerned had judged her delusional and refused to hear so, she stopped talking to them as she did not want to be deemed insane. Eventually she concluded it was much safer to close down and become mute altogether. Now, someone was finally hearing her without judgment and expressing interest! The next sessions were similar, with the girl talking of all the things God had told her and, after a while, the young woman was released and went home with a completely clean bill of health.
What struck me when I read about this was the attitude of the psyche and the fear of the young woman - the futility of her telling her truth. The psyche had the attitude that what we each perceive is real, IS real for ourself. He believed that this young woman truly believed she was hearing the voice of God and he did not believe he had any right to challenge or discourage her. He reasoned that as every person sees things from their own eyes, their own perspective, there is literally no way of knowing if we all see the same reality until we share it, or even then. That if I was to say the sky is green with pink dots and I really saw that, who was he to argue, just because he saw a blue sky with white clouds? He further explained that I see what I see and he sees what he sees and we both see what is real - for ourself. Neither one of us is 'wrong' or 'right', we simply believe what we each see as true.
This story had a huge impact on me and still does. I may not see what others see but I know they CAN see what they believe and it is very real for them. Sometimes others believe things I feel angry or sad or scared about. Sometimes I want to argue or scoff but I don't because that would be me judging them and I have no way of knowing if my reality is real for anyone but me. How can I possibly ask someone to believe something that is not real for them, while demanding that they believe what is real for me?
I believe we each have a right to believe what we believe, eg, I believe in a loving God that is all powerful and kind. I believe that Gods love is the only real power on this earth and that ALL things lead TO God. I know that to be MY truth and I know that many thousands of people would not share my belief and THAT'S OKAY by me because I believe what I believe and I have no desire to make anyone see what I see. I believe that each person is experiencing their own reality which has its own challenges, joys, fears and purpose, individual to that persons soul. I do not believe it is fair, wise or loving to try to make others see that what I believe is real. In fact, if I am doing that, I am giving away my power and taking away from theirs.
I say, I will have my truth and others can have theirs. I want to support others in releasing any energy or pain associated with their belief and to experience joy and I will not take on the reality of others or ask them to believe what I believe. I have a right to my beliefs and I believe I have a responsibility to grant others the same grace.
xxjxx
In this book, the author wrote about his early days as a psyche, which went something like: he met a young woman who was completely unresponsive during his first residency. She had been in the ward for many months and interacted with no one. She was completely closed off and did not even acknowledge the presence if others. The young psyche decided to not read her file before meeting her and gaining insight first hand so as not to create an internal bias. The young psyche entered the session, made an introduction, informed her of her rights and how long the session would last and waited. The young woman did not respond, did not even look up. At the end of the session, the psyche took his leave. At the next session, the psyche again introduced himself, waited a few minutes and, when the woman again did not respond, opened up some work he'd brought with him and turned his attention to that, glancing up now and then to observe but not pushing anything. This went on exactly the same way for many sessions. One day, he entered, took out his work and, looking up, saw the young woman was watching him. He looked back at her and calmly waited. "God talks to me", she whispered anxiously. Without hesitating, the young psyche replied, "What does He say?" To which the young woman began to chatter incessantly about all manner of things that had been happening for her since long before. She explained how, God had started speaking to her and when she told her family, they were concerned and eventually brought her in to have her mental health assessed. Upon hearing what she had to share, she was assessed as needing hospitalisation and medication. All concerned had judged her delusional and refused to hear so, she stopped talking to them as she did not want to be deemed insane. Eventually she concluded it was much safer to close down and become mute altogether. Now, someone was finally hearing her without judgment and expressing interest! The next sessions were similar, with the girl talking of all the things God had told her and, after a while, the young woman was released and went home with a completely clean bill of health.
What struck me when I read about this was the attitude of the psyche and the fear of the young woman - the futility of her telling her truth. The psyche had the attitude that what we each perceive is real, IS real for ourself. He believed that this young woman truly believed she was hearing the voice of God and he did not believe he had any right to challenge or discourage her. He reasoned that as every person sees things from their own eyes, their own perspective, there is literally no way of knowing if we all see the same reality until we share it, or even then. That if I was to say the sky is green with pink dots and I really saw that, who was he to argue, just because he saw a blue sky with white clouds? He further explained that I see what I see and he sees what he sees and we both see what is real - for ourself. Neither one of us is 'wrong' or 'right', we simply believe what we each see as true.
This story had a huge impact on me and still does. I may not see what others see but I know they CAN see what they believe and it is very real for them. Sometimes others believe things I feel angry or sad or scared about. Sometimes I want to argue or scoff but I don't because that would be me judging them and I have no way of knowing if my reality is real for anyone but me. How can I possibly ask someone to believe something that is not real for them, while demanding that they believe what is real for me?
I believe we each have a right to believe what we believe, eg, I believe in a loving God that is all powerful and kind. I believe that Gods love is the only real power on this earth and that ALL things lead TO God. I know that to be MY truth and I know that many thousands of people would not share my belief and THAT'S OKAY by me because I believe what I believe and I have no desire to make anyone see what I see. I believe that each person is experiencing their own reality which has its own challenges, joys, fears and purpose, individual to that persons soul. I do not believe it is fair, wise or loving to try to make others see that what I believe is real. In fact, if I am doing that, I am giving away my power and taking away from theirs.
I say, I will have my truth and others can have theirs. I want to support others in releasing any energy or pain associated with their belief and to experience joy and I will not take on the reality of others or ask them to believe what I believe. I have a right to my beliefs and I believe I have a responsibility to grant others the same grace.
xxjxx
15 Mar 2013
💐💐judgment💐💐
Judging others is too easy. I have judged others my entire life and always managed to create reasons to judge - almost as if I can't accept anyone without judgment. I lived most of my life believing I was non-judgmental and then one day my eyes opened and I was mortified at what I saw in myself. I was horrible! I judged everyone and everything based on unrealistic expectations I had created in my own mind. I guess on some level it was self preservation but I feel ashamed of how hurtfully I thought of others. I know it came from fear that I wasn't good enough and I am not like that anymore but I haven't forgotten that I once was like that. I hope I never forget it because remembering it is what makes me try so hard to change for the better and stop trying to find fault and instead look for the good and the soul in everyone. These days, if a judgment creeps in, I notice it, change it and look at what that person is mirroring to me about me. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be. I am the same as everyone else in the way that counts most - I want to be happy, hmmmm, is that a judgment too? I think so, I mean, how do I know EVERYone wants to be happy? I don't know it.
Each night, I say 'The Lords Prayer' and it helps me sleep. Months ago, as I prayed, I really noticed the words I was uttering..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I used to think this was "forgive us OUR trespasses as we FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Now, I think it is "forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Same thing right? No. Before, I accepted the line was all about me and about me being forgiven. Now I believe it is me asking to receive the same forgiveness that I extend to others, therefore if I cannot forgive, may I be also unforgiven; if I judge others, I ask that I be judged with the same rule. It is me inviting God, karma, the universe to walk in the shoes of another to understand them and to know what it is like to be judged by my own shallow, fear based tenets. This belief has made me more aware and more focused to stop blaming, picking, whinging, being intolerant and being isolated. I want to love! Unconditionally and without reserve - love. Because I want it, I can achieve it.
Onwards and upwards
xxjxx
Each night, I say 'The Lords Prayer' and it helps me sleep. Months ago, as I prayed, I really noticed the words I was uttering..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I used to think this was "forgive us OUR trespasses as we FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Now, I think it is "forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Same thing right? No. Before, I accepted the line was all about me and about me being forgiven. Now I believe it is me asking to receive the same forgiveness that I extend to others, therefore if I cannot forgive, may I be also unforgiven; if I judge others, I ask that I be judged with the same rule. It is me inviting God, karma, the universe to walk in the shoes of another to understand them and to know what it is like to be judged by my own shallow, fear based tenets. This belief has made me more aware and more focused to stop blaming, picking, whinging, being intolerant and being isolated. I want to love! Unconditionally and without reserve - love. Because I want it, I can achieve it.
Onwards and upwards
xxjxx
11 Feb 2013
For my mother -with love
Dear Mum
I have fully intended to tell you this to your face but I don't want to wait and I want to acknowledge you now, publicly and permanently. I have done a lot of soul searching that has been way overdue. I have learned how to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way and I have discovered a lot about myself and the world that I did not know.
Along the way, I had one, small hope - that one day, I could love you freely and without pain. That day is now! I love you unconditionally Mum! I have finally let go of the hurt, pain, fear and anger that I had attached to you and I now need to say to you: I am sorry.
I have caused you pain in my pain and I am not proud of that at all. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see my self or you as we really are - two people doing the best we can with what we've been given. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you because that is not who I want to be. Now that I know who I do want to be, I want to thank you for the lessons and acknowledge what you have given me. You have gifted me with many things and I'm not sure I know all of what they are yet but to start off:
Thank you for:
* the gift of love - for loving me as I am and somehow having the patience for me to grow up.
* the gift of pain - for without this, I would not appreciate joy so much
* the gift of faith - you taught me to question everything which means I now have an honest, adult relationship with God, a gift worth more than any treasure.
* the gift of attention - to pay attention to everything and not ignore the details.
* the gift of determination - that my resolve is as strong as I want it to be.
* the gift of empathy - now that I can empathise with you, I can truly love.
* the gift of receiving - I can finally receive love without shame because I can now feel loved
* the gift of music - you helped me develop the eclectic taste that feeds my soul like breath
* the gift of self doubt - my ego stands no chance to take over
* the gift of patience - I can wait an eternity for the things that matter most
* the gift of perception - I've realised that nothing ever changes but my perceptions needs to change constantly
* the gift of flexibility - doing things differently produces different results
* the gift of D.I.D - I cannot fathom yet just how amazingly my brain works, but I like it :-)
* the gift of tears - they release stress and work like toner on the skin, double bonus
* the gift of creativity - particularly with money, having so little means I've learned to work magic
* the gift of compassion - you may not know how you taught me but you did
* the gift of silence - golden, precious, and very healing
* the gift of solitude - left alone to find my way
* the gift of prayer - so many prayers and so much time with God
* the gift of humility - there is no empowerment when someone else gets hurt
* the gift of forgiveness - it is not for me to judge you.
Thank you Mum, for these gifts and many more. I have reached the place I've been striving to be, where I can be thankful that you above all others are and were my mother. The place where I can be grateful for the lessons, however they were taught and move onto the next stage - joy, service and forgiving myself for hurting you in my pain. I love you Mum.
I have fully intended to tell you this to your face but I don't want to wait and I want to acknowledge you now, publicly and permanently. I have done a lot of soul searching that has been way overdue. I have learned how to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way and I have discovered a lot about myself and the world that I did not know.
Along the way, I had one, small hope - that one day, I could love you freely and without pain. That day is now! I love you unconditionally Mum! I have finally let go of the hurt, pain, fear and anger that I had attached to you and I now need to say to you: I am sorry.
I have caused you pain in my pain and I am not proud of that at all. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see my self or you as we really are - two people doing the best we can with what we've been given. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you because that is not who I want to be. Now that I know who I do want to be, I want to thank you for the lessons and acknowledge what you have given me. You have gifted me with many things and I'm not sure I know all of what they are yet but to start off:
Thank you for:
* the gift of love - for loving me as I am and somehow having the patience for me to grow up.
* the gift of pain - for without this, I would not appreciate joy so much
* the gift of faith - you taught me to question everything which means I now have an honest, adult relationship with God, a gift worth more than any treasure.
* the gift of attention - to pay attention to everything and not ignore the details.
* the gift of determination - that my resolve is as strong as I want it to be.
* the gift of empathy - now that I can empathise with you, I can truly love.
* the gift of receiving - I can finally receive love without shame because I can now feel loved
* the gift of music - you helped me develop the eclectic taste that feeds my soul like breath
* the gift of self doubt - my ego stands no chance to take over
* the gift of patience - I can wait an eternity for the things that matter most
* the gift of perception - I've realised that nothing ever changes but my perceptions needs to change constantly
* the gift of flexibility - doing things differently produces different results
* the gift of D.I.D - I cannot fathom yet just how amazingly my brain works, but I like it :-)
* the gift of tears - they release stress and work like toner on the skin, double bonus
* the gift of creativity - particularly with money, having so little means I've learned to work magic
* the gift of compassion - you may not know how you taught me but you did
* the gift of silence - golden, precious, and very healing
* the gift of solitude - left alone to find my way
* the gift of prayer - so many prayers and so much time with God
* the gift of humility - there is no empowerment when someone else gets hurt
* the gift of forgiveness - it is not for me to judge you.
Thank you Mum, for these gifts and many more. I have reached the place I've been striving to be, where I can be thankful that you above all others are and were my mother. The place where I can be grateful for the lessons, however they were taught and move onto the next stage - joy, service and forgiving myself for hurting you in my pain. I love you Mum.
6 Feb 2013
Letting go
For 35 years, I never 'felt' angry. I found out what anger was then and realised I had always been angry-simmering cauldron of resentment, fear, intolerance, judgmentalism, scorn, envy, sadness, loss, grief and rage. I had been suppressing anger since birth and it was literally working like poison inside me.
Since the (8years), I have learned how to feel anger and release it from me. I have spent hundreds of hours screaming, smashing, crying and praying and I find now it is hard for me to stay angry for more than a few minutes.
I believe my anger comes from fear and the more I work through that, the less anger I have.
xxjxx
Since the (8years), I have learned how to feel anger and release it from me. I have spent hundreds of hours screaming, smashing, crying and praying and I find now it is hard for me to stay angry for more than a few minutes.
I believe my anger comes from fear and the more I work through that, the less anger I have.
xxjxx
4 Feb 2013
The journey to being love
I have learned to accept compliments. I am no longer averse to being complimented. I no longer need to minimise or deflect compliments. I also am no longer dependent on compliments to feed my soul and make me feel good. I try to come from a heart space in every possible moment and although it is actually something I believe impossible for anyone to do every waking moment, I try, without feeling I need to do it perfectly or even close to perfectly. I know my intent is pure and my effort is great, the achievement means little to me in comparison.
I want to BE love. It is my goal, my purpose, my pledge. It is my promise - the gift I give myself. It is not enough for me to proclaim, profess, preach, ponder or pontificate over love. It is not enough for me to protest or procrastinate. I want to practice and perceive love in as many moments as possible - to be an open, willing, receptive conduit for pure, innocent, unconditional love
I do not see how it would be possible without humility. I do not believe I am any better than anyone else. I believe that we each and all have amazing, unique, gifts and talents to bring to this world. I don't believe I am lesser that anyone else either, although this took me longer to get to. I have learned that human beings need 'strokes', transactions (communications, words, behaviours, etc) that provide the psyche with stimuli. I have also learned that I need that more from within than from without and that if I meet my own needs in that, I can more easily accept what is and find my bliss. I am finding more and more that happiness comes to me more easily when I expect no praise or recognition for who I am or what I do. I am who I am and I am becoming more okay with that each day.
I regularly ask myself two questions:
1. Is this the me I want to be?
2. If I died today and God asked me, "are you happy with the way things ended?"
I want to say "yes!!!"
If the answer to either of those is no, I start reflecting on why and then I make changes. I decided long ago that I want to answer yes to both of those questions -that saying yes is really, important to me when I ask myself those questions. This is what makes it easier for me to walk the path towards being love because I am doing what I love by being who I am and by not judging others for doing what they do or being who they are. I like the me I am and I don't need approval from anyone to be able to BE love.
Wow!! What a journey life is!!
xxjxx
I want to BE love. It is my goal, my purpose, my pledge. It is my promise - the gift I give myself. It is not enough for me to proclaim, profess, preach, ponder or pontificate over love. It is not enough for me to protest or procrastinate. I want to practice and perceive love in as many moments as possible - to be an open, willing, receptive conduit for pure, innocent, unconditional love
I do not see how it would be possible without humility. I do not believe I am any better than anyone else. I believe that we each and all have amazing, unique, gifts and talents to bring to this world. I don't believe I am lesser that anyone else either, although this took me longer to get to. I have learned that human beings need 'strokes', transactions (communications, words, behaviours, etc) that provide the psyche with stimuli. I have also learned that I need that more from within than from without and that if I meet my own needs in that, I can more easily accept what is and find my bliss. I am finding more and more that happiness comes to me more easily when I expect no praise or recognition for who I am or what I do. I am who I am and I am becoming more okay with that each day.
I regularly ask myself two questions:
1. Is this the me I want to be?
2. If I died today and God asked me, "are you happy with the way things ended?"
I want to say "yes!!!"
If the answer to either of those is no, I start reflecting on why and then I make changes. I decided long ago that I want to answer yes to both of those questions -that saying yes is really, important to me when I ask myself those questions. This is what makes it easier for me to walk the path towards being love because I am doing what I love by being who I am and by not judging others for doing what they do or being who they are. I like the me I am and I don't need approval from anyone to be able to BE love.
Wow!! What a journey life is!!
xxjxx
31 Jan 2013
The Power of Positivity
I remember, sometimes with sadness, how negative and pessimistic I used to be. I was given a book by my chiropractor called 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman and although I really loved it, I couldn't fathom how anyone could be positive about anything. I literally could not get my head around it at all. It was a blessing because it made me start to wonder. It made me start to question my own beliefs and values. It took me a long time to begin to even grasp the concept of optimism.
That was over 15 years ago and although I am far from perfect, (and I know I don't need to be), I feel extremely positive and optimistic in any given moment. I believe it is my faith that has got me to where I am. I had such huge trust issues before and now I am learning to trust God, I feel so differently about things. I no longer feel the need (or the responsibility) to control things. I believe now, that I can get through anything. I can (and do) encourage others. I can love me and others too. I can 'let go'. I can accept things as they are with calm in my heart and, I can recognise very quickly when I slip back into negativity and pessimism and choose to change it whenever I want.
I'm not sure how anyone put up with me back then, I imagine I would have been like a black hole, sucking energy from every source. Now I can feel the Light inside and around me and I love how it feels.
Onwards and upwards eh?
xxjxx
That was over 15 years ago and although I am far from perfect, (and I know I don't need to be), I feel extremely positive and optimistic in any given moment. I believe it is my faith that has got me to where I am. I had such huge trust issues before and now I am learning to trust God, I feel so differently about things. I no longer feel the need (or the responsibility) to control things. I believe now, that I can get through anything. I can (and do) encourage others. I can love me and others too. I can 'let go'. I can accept things as they are with calm in my heart and, I can recognise very quickly when I slip back into negativity and pessimism and choose to change it whenever I want.
I'm not sure how anyone put up with me back then, I imagine I would have been like a black hole, sucking energy from every source. Now I can feel the Light inside and around me and I love how it feels.
Onwards and upwards eh?
xxjxx
24 Jan 2013
Violence has many faces
I wrote the below story back in 2009. I have continued healing since then. I eventually received compensation for one count of historic sexual abuse that I suffered as a 7 year old. The other 35 years of torment have remained unrecognised by the law and I'm okay. Recently, I found real peace within myself -I found forgiveness. I have not, and may not ever, forget what I went through, I have merely released all of the energy around it, come to an understanding of why and how and chosen to let it go instead. I feel incredibly strong and sure that I have made this choice and I have prayed for those people too. I'm working on not calling it abuse any more, not because its not abuse-it is-and it needs to stop happening in this world. No, I want to call it 'trauma' instead of abuse because I don't want to blame. I know it may offend some people and I feel sad about that. This is me growing up and thriving; taking responsibility for what I think and say; having compassion and being loving. I am not the victim of an abusive childhood. I am a student in the school of life who wants to stop judging and blaming and start living, breathing, thriving and loving and, with forgiveness comes the freedom to do just that.
Onwards and upwards
xxjxx
_____________________________________________________________________________________
When I first considered applying for Victims of Crime Compensation, I believed I was doing it for validation. I know that welfare officers visited my home when I was a child and yet, abuse still happened, a lot of abuse. I did not feel any need for revenge or vengeance, I still don’t. What happened, happened, and I am not going to tarnish my own soul with revenge or deliberately causing others pain. I merely wanted the authorities to validate that what happened to me and my younger brother & sister was abuse and should not be allowed to go unacknowledged as such.
Sadly, it seems I will never receive that validation. I know now that I validate it for myself – what happened to me was wrong – W R O N G!!!!!! I have support from wonderful people (finally) and I am healing from the effects that abuse has had on my brain and my life. It has been three years since I first discussed this compensation with my solicitor and I have no idea what the outcome will be. On top of the extensive free counseling I have been receiving from my local womens’ health centre, I also received 22 hrs with a clinical psychologist through the Victims of Crime board, which I wholly appreciate and it helped tremendously. My gripe is with the criminal justice systems in this country.
As my abuses happened in two states, I have had to lodge claims in both states. One claim has been lodged in NSW and is proceeding.
The other claim had to be lodged in Victoria and to do that, I had to make a statement to police (something that does not have to be done in NSW). Upon providing a lengthy statement, I was informed that the abuses by my mother were considered to be mostly psychological, verbal & emotional and therefore the police were not going to investigate. The abuses by my ex-husband were committed against me when I was an adult and so that would not be investigated either.
These two people horribly abused me repeatedly for over 35 years and according to our justice system it’s okay. Even the Victorian solicitor I found was uninterested in my application.
I still feel some shame and embarrassment that I did not know it was abuse until I escaped it. I believed I was just simply crazy and unable to be a healthy, sane person. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to ‘get over it’ all. I suppose on some level I was right. They seriously screwed up my head and I can’t even guess how many more years of counselling I might need to be free of their crap. I started healing 5 years ago and, at first, I saw my counsellor every day of the week! I couldn’t get through 1 single day without breaking down! I did self awareness and support groups at the same time and I lived and breathed everything I learned. It has been no picnic and I still need anti-depressant medication to moderate my moods. I also believe I have a form of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Although at first I was terrified of what that may mean for me, I now feel less shame over some past experiences. During my last psychotic episodes, I kept telling people (and shrinks) that I felt like I had no control over myself, that I did not want to doo what I was doing but felt powerless to stop it at all. I wasn’t making it up, I felt completely out of control and I was terrified. I was hurting myself and trying to kill myself but I di not want to consciously. It just seemed to be a compulsion of some kind and even, at times, I was mesmerized by it in some way. I don’t know how that sounds but it scared the crap out of me for ages and I was ashamed about it for even longer. At least now, I can start coming to terms with it and learn how to make sure it doesn’t happen any more. Right now, I’m feeling angry and bitter about the compensation thing. I feel as if the Victorian legal system is saying that what happened to me was not really abuse.
My mother tried to kill me on more than one occasion. She bashed me with hoses, electrical cords, curtain rods, brooms, lumps of wood and whatever else she could lay her hands on in a fit of rage. She smacked my head into the clothesline, into a wall, made my nose bleed, tried to strangle me with her bare hands and that is just the tip of the iceberg. As well as being battered and abused myself, I had to watch and was often held responsible for the beating and abuse suffered by my younger siblings. I don’t know how we survived but it has left deep and terrible scars inside us all and some may never heal. I believe we were abused. I was abused and I grew up to marry an alcoholic. After about the first 2 months with him, I actually knew I would be miserable if I staid but I believed in my heart that I had been born to suffer and that leaving him was only avoiding fate. I had no idea of love or healthy relationships – I’d never seen one! I kept telling myself for 10 years that even though he seemed to despise me, had no obvious respect for me and spoke to me like I was garbage, yelled at me and called me names, he hadn’t hit me so it couldn’t really be abuse. Then he did hit me and refuses to this day to acknowledge that it even might have happened. I knew what rape was from advertising though and that was happening but again, as it seemed no-violent (most of the time) I just thought I was being stupid. Now though, I feel disgusted that any criminal justice system in the 21st century could know the full details of it all and deny it to be named as abusive.
I had hoped that the world is becoming a better place and I feel sure it is. But when will Australia really wake up and protect it’s citizens from violence? When will we realize that children are the fountain of youth and they are the ones who will be the lawmakers one day. Are we wanting them to have no compassion? Do we want our children to learn that violence is okay as long as you only hurt those who live with you and depend upon you for survival? That is what we have been teaching kids and they are excellent learners. Childhood trauma and abuse effects brain development and causes lifelong problems for individuals, families and communities – for the whole country and the whole world.
Only by standing up and telling stories like mine can we ever hope to make anyone take notice; to change laws and societal thinking. I, for one, am gonna shout from the rooftops, everywhere I go. I’m a survivor of childhood trauma and it has stuffed up my life and the lives of my children.
VIOLENCE AND ABUSE HAS TO STOP NOW !!!!!!!!
Onwards and upwards
xxjxx
_____________________________________________________________________________________
When I first considered applying for Victims of Crime Compensation, I believed I was doing it for validation. I know that welfare officers visited my home when I was a child and yet, abuse still happened, a lot of abuse. I did not feel any need for revenge or vengeance, I still don’t. What happened, happened, and I am not going to tarnish my own soul with revenge or deliberately causing others pain. I merely wanted the authorities to validate that what happened to me and my younger brother & sister was abuse and should not be allowed to go unacknowledged as such.
Sadly, it seems I will never receive that validation. I know now that I validate it for myself – what happened to me was wrong – W R O N G!!!!!! I have support from wonderful people (finally) and I am healing from the effects that abuse has had on my brain and my life. It has been three years since I first discussed this compensation with my solicitor and I have no idea what the outcome will be. On top of the extensive free counseling I have been receiving from my local womens’ health centre, I also received 22 hrs with a clinical psychologist through the Victims of Crime board, which I wholly appreciate and it helped tremendously. My gripe is with the criminal justice systems in this country.
As my abuses happened in two states, I have had to lodge claims in both states. One claim has been lodged in NSW and is proceeding.
The other claim had to be lodged in Victoria and to do that, I had to make a statement to police (something that does not have to be done in NSW). Upon providing a lengthy statement, I was informed that the abuses by my mother were considered to be mostly psychological, verbal & emotional and therefore the police were not going to investigate. The abuses by my ex-husband were committed against me when I was an adult and so that would not be investigated either.
These two people horribly abused me repeatedly for over 35 years and according to our justice system it’s okay. Even the Victorian solicitor I found was uninterested in my application.
I still feel some shame and embarrassment that I did not know it was abuse until I escaped it. I believed I was just simply crazy and unable to be a healthy, sane person. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to ‘get over it’ all. I suppose on some level I was right. They seriously screwed up my head and I can’t even guess how many more years of counselling I might need to be free of their crap. I started healing 5 years ago and, at first, I saw my counsellor every day of the week! I couldn’t get through 1 single day without breaking down! I did self awareness and support groups at the same time and I lived and breathed everything I learned. It has been no picnic and I still need anti-depressant medication to moderate my moods. I also believe I have a form of D.I.D. – Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Although at first I was terrified of what that may mean for me, I now feel less shame over some past experiences. During my last psychotic episodes, I kept telling people (and shrinks) that I felt like I had no control over myself, that I did not want to doo what I was doing but felt powerless to stop it at all. I wasn’t making it up, I felt completely out of control and I was terrified. I was hurting myself and trying to kill myself but I di not want to consciously. It just seemed to be a compulsion of some kind and even, at times, I was mesmerized by it in some way. I don’t know how that sounds but it scared the crap out of me for ages and I was ashamed about it for even longer. At least now, I can start coming to terms with it and learn how to make sure it doesn’t happen any more. Right now, I’m feeling angry and bitter about the compensation thing. I feel as if the Victorian legal system is saying that what happened to me was not really abuse.
My mother tried to kill me on more than one occasion. She bashed me with hoses, electrical cords, curtain rods, brooms, lumps of wood and whatever else she could lay her hands on in a fit of rage. She smacked my head into the clothesline, into a wall, made my nose bleed, tried to strangle me with her bare hands and that is just the tip of the iceberg. As well as being battered and abused myself, I had to watch and was often held responsible for the beating and abuse suffered by my younger siblings. I don’t know how we survived but it has left deep and terrible scars inside us all and some may never heal. I believe we were abused. I was abused and I grew up to marry an alcoholic. After about the first 2 months with him, I actually knew I would be miserable if I staid but I believed in my heart that I had been born to suffer and that leaving him was only avoiding fate. I had no idea of love or healthy relationships – I’d never seen one! I kept telling myself for 10 years that even though he seemed to despise me, had no obvious respect for me and spoke to me like I was garbage, yelled at me and called me names, he hadn’t hit me so it couldn’t really be abuse. Then he did hit me and refuses to this day to acknowledge that it even might have happened. I knew what rape was from advertising though and that was happening but again, as it seemed no-violent (most of the time) I just thought I was being stupid. Now though, I feel disgusted that any criminal justice system in the 21st century could know the full details of it all and deny it to be named as abusive.
I had hoped that the world is becoming a better place and I feel sure it is. But when will Australia really wake up and protect it’s citizens from violence? When will we realize that children are the fountain of youth and they are the ones who will be the lawmakers one day. Are we wanting them to have no compassion? Do we want our children to learn that violence is okay as long as you only hurt those who live with you and depend upon you for survival? That is what we have been teaching kids and they are excellent learners. Childhood trauma and abuse effects brain development and causes lifelong problems for individuals, families and communities – for the whole country and the whole world.
Only by standing up and telling stories like mine can we ever hope to make anyone take notice; to change laws and societal thinking. I, for one, am gonna shout from the rooftops, everywhere I go. I’m a survivor of childhood trauma and it has stuffed up my life and the lives of my children.
VIOLENCE AND ABUSE HAS TO STOP NOW !!!!!!!!
22 Jan 2013
Man of steel
I feel very grateful for the opportunity to talk about my granddad this morning, to share with another man the eternal gift my granddad gave me for life - unconditional love. I am very lucky. I had 2 grandparents who loved me because I was me and no behaviour or mistake I made ever changed that love. I am far from perfect but they were never even disappointed in me, no matter what. They just loved me and accepted that I was me. I never felt any pressure to be any more than who I am with them and it was easy to be loving, kind, genuine and respectful with them because they showed me, in their own attitudes and behaviours, role modelled for me so I would know and learn. They were my godparents at baptism and although they were not religious or even church-going, they showed me the way to God through their love. My granddad was a man of steel. He did not roar or argue. He did not shout or fight. He stood his ground and he deliberated. He had infinite patience and tremendous love and he was fair. Many in my family feared his displeasure and tip-toed around, warning others to 'behave' or else but I always looked for (and found) the twinkle in his eyes that told me he was not angry, not solemn, usually teasing. I could tell that sometimes their anxiety and silliness got to him but he would just leave the room and do something he enjoyed. He'd come back later and there would be no sign of anything but his usual peace and calm. He was a man of steel and a man of love and I wish he were here so I could ask him how he did it but I know him- he would smile and say " don't let it get to ya honey, you just worry about you and let them worry about them" . I love you granddad and I still miss you every day.
xxjxx
xxjxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)