My experience of Heal For Life Foundation

I have travelled a long, hard road to today and I am who I am.  I've made many mistakes, some of them big and disastrous, and I have done things I carried shame about. I have at times in my past been blind, mute, deaf, unloving and unempathic, unfeeling and unreal. One thing I have never been is untrue. That may not make sense and I don't need it to, I have known me for a relatively short time.  In fact, until 10 years ago, I did not know who 'I' was. I knew facts about my experiences, I remembered minute details of my existence but I did not have the slightest sense of 'I'. But even then, I did know who I wanted to be and I tried with all my might to be that. What I didn't know then was that I didn't know how to be me. I read masses of books, studied, sought professional counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, medication, and expert advice in my determined effort to be who I knew I wanted to be but I did not know that the answers I was seeking were already inside me.  I learned that through the support of other survivors at Heal For Life. I had a great counsellor and support network who encouraged me to go to Heal For Life.  I had friends who had been and come home glowing with joy, turning their lives around.  I wanted that too but I was scared. I knew nothing about this place and my friends said I had to experience it for myself.  I did the only thing I knew how to do well, I researched it.  I found out that Heal For Life is run by survivors for survivors and does not give counselling or advice.  I learned that they have strongly enforced safety guidelines and I learned they really care about each person who goes there. I felt terrified but I trusted my counsellors and I took the step.

That was back in 2006. At that time, I was broke, disabled and feeling close to hopeless. I saw no future and I looked at the world through a broken lens. I believed I had nothing much to offer and I'd actually been told by Centrelink and 2 specialists that I would never work again. 

Going to Heal For Life was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thanks to many wonderful people, most of whom were also learning who they were, I know now who I am and what 'I' means for me and to me.  I also have a full time job again which feels fabulous. I did a lot of training and volunteering with Wesley and Lifeline and returned to study in Welfare, Community Services and Mental Health and, even though at the beginning I thought that if I passed at all I would barely scape through because I believed I was stupid, I got 100%on 1/2 of my exams and not less than 90% on all the rest barring 1 (67%).  I then began training at Heal For Life myself to become a volunteer and later a facilitator.  I would not have studied what I did if not for Heal For Life who insisted that if I wanted to join their team, I must have external qualifications too. Even after such great grades, I still thought I might fail but I had never had the support I was now getting and it made a huge difference.  Heal For Life did not just throw me in to support other survivors, they stretched me to aspire and helped me, encouraged me to aim higher than I ever thought possible. They taught me so many things, not just trauma healing but, academic skills too. I did not know how to write essays or reports before I went to Heal For Life and now I write them easily and without fear.

I have learned so much at Heal For Life. I have learned the real definition of responsibility and self care.  To let go of the need to blame.  To re-parent my self in a healthier way.  To see mistakes as opportunities to learn. To give and receive feedback. To love myself and others equally. To give and receive in life in balance. To listen. To strive for quality and leave the need for perfection behind. To know that my feelings cannot destroy me and that other people cannot make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. To become the cause of my future and not just the result of my past.  I underwent 2 different psychological evaluations at Heal For Life as a condition of being a volunteer there and the results gave me such hope.  

The positive effects of what I have gained from Heal For Life have impacted more than just me, it has positively influenced everyone around me and I decided in 2012 I was going to enrol in a Grad. Dip in Counselling at ACU.  I had called up the uni and began the application when I received an email advertising for a full time position at Heal For Life coordinating the programs. I thought that as much as I would love to do that, everyone else stood a better chance (because I was sure they had better qualifications and skills) but I decided to apply anyway. I was interviewed by an external person in Newcastle and then I went back to Sydney to complete my uni application.  (Sadly, until about that time, whenever I prepared my CV, all I saw was that I only got as far as Yr 9 at school.  I did not see until that very application, just how many courses I had done since or how many qualifications I had gained along the way) and.......I got the job! I started 9th Jan 2012.

I was very excited in 2012 when Heal For Life gained accreditation from QIC.  That was a dream of mine as I have seen the immense growth in the organisation since 2006.  I've seen people come and go, I've made friends along the way and said goodbye to some also.  I've grieved losses and celebrated triumphs and I've learned to listen, something which I know I was once totally unable to do.  I know when to refer someone for professional support and I know how important it is for that to happen because I've learned that at Heal For Life.  In the 2 years I've been in my new role, I have again given up the life I once knew to start over and I'm glad I had the courage to do that.  I love the work we do.  I love the people I meet and the joys that they share. I appreciate the feedback that every person is invited to give and I love that sharing stories is not part of the program coz I'm done with the story of my misery. I've been at Heal For Life since 2006 and most of my friends there don't know my 'story' because those details are not who I am. Who I am is who I am and I believe in what we do with all my heart.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions, make complaints, be heard, speak up.  It is so important for survivors to take back their power - I have total respect for that and I encourage it although I feel terribly sad when it is done out of malice, that is not empowerment.  If my actions hurt others I am disempowering myself all over again, and others.  If I feel the need to make a stand on something, I get facts first, healthy balanced information so I can make an informed choice, because I learned to do that at Heal For Life too. That is the person I have always wanted to be. A person with integrity and congruence. A person who is flexible yet firm. I am still learning but it's much easier now thanks to the lessons.

I'm not a fool, I know Laws, ACTs, policies, procedures, ethical guidelines.  I know how to adhere to them and I am pedantic about it, which anyone who knows me knows. I have also trained in finance and admin and, If I make a mistake about anything, I am grateful to have it pointed out, I apologise and I begin making whatever change is necessary, then I look at what I can learn from it so I won't make the same mistake again.  I also know the people around me do it that way too - I see it daily.   I'm not ever going to say Heal For Life is perfect because nothing can be perfect.  What I do know and I stand by is this: the volunteers and staff are skilled, trained, capable and committed to excellent service delivery. With the vision of flat-style management and consensus decision making, with every person having equality and ownership, Heal For Life is an incredible place to be a part of and will continue to become even better as time goes by thanks to the survivors who continue to be the incredible people they are, giving as much as they do.  Each person there has fought their own battle and wants to walk alongside others as they themselves were supported at Heal For Life and each person tries to embody the philosophies of Heal For Life and supports each other in continuing to grow and learn and thanks to them, I have learned to do that too.

xxjxx

My body is a part of me too!

It might seem weird to some people, maybe even to most people but, I only recently fully realised that my body is a part of who "I" am.

I've accepted for a long time that I have a body and spent many years hating it, abusing it, using it and destroying it really. I believe I am a spiritual being having a physical existence but it had never, I think, really sunk in that my body is a part of who "I" am.

I recently became completely incapacitated for 4 weeks, unable for the first 3 weeks to even get up much. My body seemed to shut down and alarmed me with sharp painful spasms, headache and critically high blood pressure which I've never experienced before. I am not someone who suffers colds and illnesses often or gladly and even though I have severe physical health issues and suffer cluster headaches every year, I dont generally get 'sick'.  It was frightening.

Throughout my life, I have had multiple traumas on every level and my body has been terribly hurt. Some of those traumas were accidental, some from abuse but then there is much trauma that was self-inflicted through my own ignorance also.  I pushed myself so hard all the time trying to win the personality contest of life that I did damage and did not even realise I was doing any damage till only a few years ago when that damage started causing me excruciating, non-stop pain and showed up on scans.  I have always been in pain, I got so used to pain that I just learned to push through it and virtually switch it off - that is why I have only recently had this startling epiphany - my body is a part of who "I" am.

I have been actively healing my unseen scars for 10 years this month and I've done a really good job of that. I have no symptoms of mental illness anymore.  I choose to continue taking medication for that to further support my brain in healing from the effects of prolonged trauma as I figure my brain needs all the help it can get to heal from 35 years of that.

I have been healing my mind, spirit, brain and heart and trying to include my body but I've realised this past month that my healing has not been holistic in the true sense of the word because I sort of saw my body as some prison cell I was trapped in that had no value or worth. It was just a thing that had to be endured and survived too.  Sad really, so much time and effort into destroying the one thing that has truly been with me through all the years, tears, pain and joy.  This body gave birth to 2 incredible children and has taken me to the heights of pure ecstasy and yet, I could/would not attach to it - I didn't know I needed to and frankly, I didn't know how.  I have done study so I have the information I need and I have endeavoured valiantly to 'ground' myself in it but I have not really recognised its true value till right now. I feel sad about it, I have real grief around it that I am working through and I'm now using the same approach that has worked in healing the rest of me - one tiny baby step at a time:

To heal my body I know I need:

Safety

I don't feel safe in my body because it constantly hurts so I am using affirmations to help my brain change the patterns of what I believe about my body.  I am also allowing myself to use pain relief medication for a little while while I reverse the damage I've done and I am making safer choices with food.

Information

Different specialists have told me for the past 8 years that I had to be very careful of moving my body and any exercise other than hydrotherapy was out.  No gym, no treadmill, no bikes, no swimming, no Pilates or yoga, no chiropractic, no osteopathy, no, no, no, no.  Last week, one of those very same doctors told me that's wrong and there is no reason why I can't.  He completed contradicted what he told me 6 years ago and now says there is no reason I can't exercise although lifting weights is still definitely out.  My first reaction was to drill him :-). Afterwards I was in complete shock, it really did my head in.  I had trusted those learned people to advise me on how to care for my body and I now realise, they do not know that because it is my body, not theirs!  I have done courses on lots of different physical aspects and I have the information to have a healthy body, I now need to put it in to practise again and the first step I am taking towards that is to lose 5 kilos before I resume exercising so there is slightly less pressure on my body and stress on my heart when I do begin moving more.

Support

I need professional and personal support to do this. I have now found a wonderful new gp and I've had masses of tests done to ensure it is safe to embark on this part of my journey. I am now stretching myself to let go of any stress I don't need and am on a 30 day salad challenge. I'm not going extreme, I'm trialling eating salad for 2 meals every day for 30 days and my salads include chicken, fish, feta, nuts, seeds, various beans, green leaves, beet root, fruit, peas, corn, carrots and different non creamy dressings in scarce proportion.  I have been on this challenge for 2 weeks and I am begininning to feel better in myself and less stressed. I am also drinking a lot of water which is huge for me! And I'm enjoying all this :-)

Connection to my Inner Child/ren

My connection is constant, I love all parts of me dearly, which is how I was able to recognise the importance of my body finally.  Because of all the healing I have done, I am no longer able to not love any part of me so that now includes my body.  It does not mean I will love my body perfectly immediately, it simply means that now I am able to see my body with the same love and affection I have for every other part of myself, I can work with that and that feels good too.

This is the simplistic way I have approached my healing all along and it has proved tremendously successful. Over the course of my life I have tried many times to have a healthier body and lifestyle and never been able to sustain it. It always felt like I had to, I cracked a whip over my head to do it and then resented it.  I think now I know why-how can I cherish anything I do not have an 'attachment' to?  So now. I have a new healing buddy -my body and I can already tell, we're gunna be great friends one day.

xxjxx

10 year anniversary of active healing

11th November is a date carved in my soul. It is the date I said goodbye to my beloved granddad. He played a huge part in shaping who I have become and I was blessed enough to have him continually in my life for 31 years. He and my Nanna were my GodParents and surrogate parents, my confidantes and my cheer squad. They were not perfect people by any means and made as many mistakes as anyone else probably does. For me though, they were the one true constant presence of unconditional love in a life I Thought was cruel and torturous.  They gave me hope and praise and if not for that, I would never have survived to get to here.

11th November 2013 saw me reflecting on the date and I realised with sadness and awe that it has now (last week) been 10 years since I walked away from two polar opposites - the absolute love of my children and the abuse of my past. I had to give up one to escape the other because 10 years ago last week, my hope was almost totally gone and I could not see any other way to change what my heart screamed to me I needed to change.  It was THE hardest and most devastating choice I have EVER consciously made and although I still sometimes wonder if, in hindsight,  I could have done it any other way, I remember the total self-annihilation I endured over the next 6 months that frightened my kids and me and I almost didn't make it through. I feel sad and I still grieve what my children and I lost. I also know to my core that it really was the best choice I could have made at that moment.  I was toxic.  I was on an implosive course to destruction and I would never forgive myself if I had taken my kids down that path too.  I left and I swore - vowed - (when multiple repeated failed suicide attempts finally convinced me to think outside the square - that I would go far far away and find some way to become a person my kids could one day be proud of. (They have always been proud of me but I couldn't then fathom why). I moved 600kms away and so the healng began.

Originally, the only idea I had on how to achieve This new goal was to drive to Sydney to see and hug my father.  I barely new him but my 3 year old self knew intuitively that his hug would be medicinal. It was the only idea I had so I decided to go with it and see where I went from there.  Little did I know that trip would bring back my hope and turn everything around.  Over the next months, I decided I needed to create so many good, happy memories that all of the trauma memories that replayed in my head 24/7 would have no space to inhabit in my mind. In essence I finally became a teenager, at the tender age of 35!  I was reckless, impulsive, excited, scared, exhilarated, sad and still, suicidal thoughts plagued me all the time, doubts about why. I Should keep trying.  I hated myself for not being with my kids.  I judged myself cruelly and constantly and I could not stop loathing myself.  I spent so much time      crying, I swear my eyelids have been puffed up ever since.

After about 3 months of living impulsively, I knew it was not enough and that if I did not get help of some kind,  I was still in grave danger of suicide. I approached the mental health service but they sent me away. They suggested 2 women's centres which. I Did not appreciate and I left.  2 weeks later, I stared at those numbers wondering which to call first. I decided I liked the one that had a woman's name in the title and called to ask what they offer and for directions. The receptionist was so lovely and welcoming that I felt immediately curious to see the place so down I went.  

When I arrived, I found her to be just as cheerful and kind as she sounded on the phone and I began to explain my plight. She gently informed me they had a 3 month waiting list for counselling and I panicked. I knew, without an ounce of doubt, that without help, I would not live 3 more months. I dissolve into uncontrollable sobs and she went out to speak with a counsellor who, wonders of wonders, suggested I go straight in.  Although I judged that counsellor as a new-age, weird, soft-touch do-gooder that day and it took me about a month to go back, I was also so very grateful because those 2 women saved my life that day and the rest as they say is history.

With their help and the help of all of the staff at WILMA Women's Health Centre in Campbelltown NSW,   I worked really really hard over the next 2 years and had some form of counselling or support every single day. I virtually became a newborn infant again and I did not feel confidant to handle any problem alone  as 35 years of trauma caught up with me.  I Had lived all that time with recurrent memories playing like a movie without a stop button and wondering why I couldn't forget, wishing that I could just forget but I couldn't forget one minute of my entire existence and it hurt so bad....and i blamed myself for it happening.  To have another human react in horror to my every-day reality helped me realise what I hade gone though truly was awful and that I was not just a 'bad person' or a 'sook' as I had so long believed.  I began to attach feelings to my memories which I had so distanced myself from, I was totally immune to.  I began to recognise my self as someone of worth and it was an excruciatingly painful process too as I also began to learn how I had caused others pain in many ways too and I found many new reasons to hate and loathe myself more.  I also vowed to keep going.  For the longest time, I had to believe I was doing it for my kids, so that what they had endured was not in vain. I felt I owed it to them to see this healing through to its end and whatever pain it caused me was nothing less than I deserved.  Over time though, I realised that an attitude like that was not really honouring my kids and nor was it fair to place that responsibility on them so I got to a place where I could do it because I  was worth it too.

Then I heard about a place where survivors of childhood trauma could release the emotions trapped inside and heal the wounds with the support of other survivors and I had long dreamed of a place like that but I had no money and no income and by then, I was physically disabled too so I gave up hope of anything like that and continued doing what was working for me - counselling (weekly by then), support and self-help groups, information sessions and, I banned mirrors. I so hated my appearance that looking in a mirror even left me having suicidal thoughts so I banned em all from my home for 2 years. I got rid of em or covered em up :-)

One night, 2 friends of mine returned from this place of healing (Heal For Life) and I could literally see how healed their bodies, minds, and spirits were - they were glowing radiantly and I longed to find what they had but I was still convinced I would never be accepted there because there were so many people in the world who had (really) suffered.....it took me 2 more years to stop making excuses and just go and from the first moment, I wanted to run away.  I had to tell myself every 5 minutes "just stay for 5 more minutes and if you still want to run, you can run" - EVERY 5 minutes!!

I dd make it though the week even though on the second day I was beating up on myself because I couldn't use the tools and do it perfectly on my own - on the second day :-) over the next 5 years, I continued regular counselling ( daily for 2 years, weekly for 2 more years, fortnightly for 2 more years, monthly for 2 more years after that and then, in the 8th year, I only need 4 sessions)!  I also did more self-help groups, read over 100 self-help books, returned to study and got high distinctions in 3 courses and began volunteering in 2 different places. I even planned on going to university one day. I had accepted the fact by then that I would never work again (as I'd been told by my doctors and Centrelink), that I would one day never walk again and long before I was ready,  that I would die prematurely due to a cyst between my spinal chord and brain stem. It seemed so unfair and inevitable and yet......

I began to hope and to heal and I learned to become the me I believe I was created to be. I began to judge less and love more and I learned to listen and empathise. I grew up, and I am learning to re-parent myself in a loving, nurturing way. I have learned how to be my own best friend and enjoy my own company and this month I am trying to learn to love my body too. In January 2012 I returned to full time employment and I feel so blessed, grateful and honoured to all of the wonderful people I have met at WILMA and now at Heal For Life (www.healforlife.com.au) because now I am a new me, the real me.  

The trauma did happen.  I was abused. It was wrong. It did hurt. It should never have happened.

I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and even though I miss my kids, I still see them and talk to them as often as they and I can make it happen.  I still love them totally and unconditionally and always will. I still grieve our loss at times and I still am determined to be someone they can be proud of even though I am well aware now that I cannot control or manipulate their thoughts and feelings :) it's about the vow I made 10 years ago and the vow I continue to make now regularly.........."I want to live in a world of love and I vow to be the change I want to see in this world."

XxjxX

Anger is born from fear

Anger is an incredible emotion, it creates change, it starts movements, it feels powerful and it gets us moving BUT there is ALWAYS fear underneath anger....fear of failing, fear of pain, fear of being judged, fear of being hurt, fear of nothing changing, fear of everything changing, fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of fear, ALWAYS fear. Feel the anger and release the e-motion-go under it to the fear and life is so much less painful because anger is destructive and comes from the mind and not the heart -JP

Letter to my 44 Year old self

Letter to my 44 Year old self.

Dear June

I am in awe of you. Looking back on all you have overcome and knowing your hopes and dreams for the future, I am inspired. You have such an  incredible amount of courage, strength, determination, compassion and love and you see greatness in everyone you meet. I know you struggle and doubt yourself but even when you are ready to fall down or give up, you draw on your innate abilities and rise again even more determined than before. Your faith and hope is boundless and I am so proud of who you are. I care very deeply for you and I love seeing how much you now care for yourself. You have worked so incredibly hard for so long and given up so much, so many times and yet you still go on giving. It's wonderful to see you now giving to others instead of giving up. I wonder if you truly understand just how phenomenal you are? I see you accept compliments with grace and humility and I know you still fear ego lest you become vain and bitter, did you know that is another of your strengths? You strive valiantly to own each experience you have and to find a way to get off the blame-go-round. That supernova you are cannot be hidden or doused and you already know how much of your energy it takes to try that so look up dear one, shine your light and let go of your struggle because you are much, much more than your experiences. You are a divine creation who is living her divinity exactly as you were created in perfection to be. Let go, laugh loud and love on June, you're my inspiration and I love you. June xx

Truth

I once read a book which, astonishingly, I cannot yet remember the title or author of. I'm astonished by this because I usually have no problems with details like that, anyway....

In this book, the author wrote about his early days as a psyche, which went something like: he met a young woman who was completely unresponsive during his first residency. She had been in the ward for many months and interacted with no one. She was completely closed off and did not even acknowledge the presence if others. The young psyche decided to not read her file before meeting her and gaining insight first hand so as not to create an internal bias. The young psyche entered the session, made an introduction, informed her of her rights and how long the session would last and waited. The young woman did not respond, did not even look up. At the end of the session, the psyche took his leave. At the next session, the psyche again introduced himself, waited a few minutes and, when the woman again did not respond, opened up some work he'd brought with him and turned his attention to that, glancing up now and then to observe but not pushing anything. This went on exactly the same way for many sessions. One day, he entered, took out his work and, looking up, saw the young woman was watching him. He looked back at her and calmly waited. "God talks to me", she whispered anxiously. Without hesitating, the young psyche replied, "What does He say?" To which the young woman began to chatter incessantly about all manner of things that had been happening for her since long before. She explained how, God had started speaking to her and when she told her family, they were concerned and eventually brought her in to have her mental health assessed. Upon hearing what she had to share, she was assessed as needing hospitalisation and medication. All concerned had judged her delusional and refused to hear so, she stopped talking to them as she did not want to be deemed insane. Eventually she concluded it was much safer to close down and become mute altogether. Now, someone was finally hearing her without judgment and expressing interest! The next sessions were similar, with the girl talking of all the things God had told her and, after a while, the young woman was released and went home with a completely clean bill of health.

What struck me when I read about this was the attitude of the psyche and the fear of the young woman - the futility of her telling her truth. The psyche had the attitude that what we each perceive is real, IS real for ourself. He believed that this young woman truly believed she was hearing the voice of God and he did not believe he had any right to challenge or discourage her. He reasoned that as every person sees things from their own eyes, their own perspective, there is literally no way of knowing if we all see the same reality until we share it, or even then. That if I was to say the sky is green with pink dots and I really saw that, who was he to argue, just because he saw a blue sky with white clouds? He further explained that I see what I see and he sees what he sees and we both see what is real - for ourself. Neither one of us is 'wrong' or 'right', we simply believe what we each see as true.

This story had a huge impact on me and still does. I may not see what others see but I know they CAN see what they believe and it is very real for them. Sometimes others believe things I feel angry or sad or scared about. Sometimes I want to argue or scoff but I don't because that would be me judging them and I have no way of knowing if my reality is real for anyone but me. How can I possibly ask someone to believe something that is not real for them, while demanding that they believe what is real for me?

I believe we each have a right to believe what we believe, eg, I believe in a loving God that is all powerful and kind. I believe that Gods love is the only real power on this earth and that ALL things lead TO God. I know that to be MY truth and I know that many thousands of people would not share my belief and THAT'S OKAY by me because I believe what I believe and I have no desire to make anyone see what I see. I believe that each person is experiencing their own reality which has its own challenges, joys, fears and purpose, individual to that persons soul. I do not believe it is fair, wise or loving to try to make others see that what I believe is real. In fact, if I am doing that, I am giving away my power and taking away from theirs.

I say, I will have my truth and others can have theirs. I want to support others in releasing any energy or pain associated with their belief and to experience joy and I will not take on the reality of others or ask them to believe what I believe. I have a right to my beliefs and I believe I have a responsibility to grant others the same grace.

xxjxx

💐💐judgment💐💐

Judging others is too easy. I have judged others my entire life and always managed to create reasons to judge - almost as if I can't accept anyone without judgment. I lived most of my life believing I was non-judgmental and then one day my eyes opened and I was mortified at what I saw in myself. I was horrible! I judged everyone and everything based on unrealistic expectations I had created in my own mind. I guess on some level it was self preservation but I feel ashamed of how hurtfully I thought of others. I know it came from fear that I wasn't good enough and I am not like that anymore but I haven't forgotten that I once was like that. I hope I never forget it because remembering it is what makes me try so hard to change for the better and stop trying to find fault and instead look for the good and the soul in everyone. These days, if a judgment creeps in, I notice it, change it and look at what that person is mirroring to me about me. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be. I am the same as everyone else in the way that counts most - I want to be happy, hmmmm, is that a judgment too? I think so, I mean, how do I know EVERYone wants to be happy? I don't know it.

Each night, I say 'The Lords Prayer' and it helps me sleep. Months ago, as I prayed, I really noticed the words I was uttering..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I used to think this was "forgive us OUR trespasses as we FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Now, I think it is "forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us". Same thing right? No. Before, I accepted the line was all about me and about me being forgiven. Now I believe it is me asking to receive the same forgiveness that I extend to others, therefore if I cannot forgive, may I be also unforgiven; if I judge others, I ask that I be judged with the same rule. It is me inviting God, karma, the universe to walk in the shoes of another to understand them and to know what it is like to be judged by my own shallow, fear based tenets. This belief has made me more aware and more focused to stop blaming, picking, whinging, being intolerant and being isolated. I want to love! Unconditionally and without reserve - love. Because I want it, I can achieve it.

Onwards and upwards

xxjxx

For my mother -with love

Dear Mum
I have fully intended to tell you this to your face but I don't want to wait and I want to acknowledge you now, publicly and permanently. I have done a lot of soul searching that has been way overdue. I have learned how to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way and I have discovered a lot about myself and the world that I did not know.

Along the way, I had one, small hope - that one day, I could love you freely and without pain. That day is now! I love you unconditionally Mum! I have finally let go of the hurt, pain, fear and anger that I had attached to you and I now need to say to you: I am sorry.

I have caused you pain in my pain and I am not proud of that at all. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see my self or you as we really are - two people doing the best we can with what we've been given. I am sorry for any pain I have ever caused you because that is not who I want to be. Now that I know who I do want to be, I want to thank you for the lessons and acknowledge what you have given me. You have gifted me with many things and I'm not sure I know all of what they are yet but to start off:

Thank you for:
* the gift of love - for loving me as I am and somehow having the patience for me to grow up.
* the gift of pain - for without this, I would not appreciate joy so much
* the gift of faith - you taught me to question everything which means I now have an honest, adult relationship with God, a gift worth more than any treasure.
* the gift of attention - to pay attention to everything and not ignore the details.
* the gift of determination - that my resolve is as strong as I want it to be.
* the gift of empathy - now that I can empathise with you, I can truly love.
* the gift of receiving - I can finally receive love without shame because I can now feel loved
* the gift of music - you helped me develop the eclectic taste that feeds my soul like breath
* the gift of self doubt - my ego stands no chance to take over
* the gift of patience - I can wait an eternity for the things that matter most
* the gift of perception - I've realised that nothing ever changes but my perceptions needs to change constantly
* the gift of flexibility - doing things differently produces different results
* the gift of D.I.D - I cannot fathom yet just how amazingly my brain works, but I like it :-)
* the gift of tears - they release stress and work like toner on the skin, double bonus
* the gift of creativity - particularly with money, having so little means I've learned to work magic
* the gift of compassion - you may not know how you taught me but you did
* the gift of silence - golden, precious, and very healing
* the gift of solitude - left alone to find my way
* the gift of prayer - so many prayers and so much time with God
* the gift of humility - there is no empowerment when someone else gets hurt
* the gift of forgiveness - it is not for me to judge you.

Thank you Mum, for these gifts and many more. I have reached the place I've been striving to be, where I can be thankful that you above all others are and were my mother. The place where I can be grateful for the lessons, however they were taught and move onto the next stage - joy, service and forgiving myself for hurting you in my pain. I love you Mum.

Letting go

For 35 years, I never 'felt' angry. I found out what anger was then and realised I had always been angry-simmering cauldron of resentment, fear, intolerance, judgmentalism, scorn, envy, sadness, loss, grief and rage. I had been suppressing anger since birth and it was literally working like poison inside me.

Since the (8years), I have learned how to feel anger and release it from me. I have spent hundreds of hours screaming, smashing, crying and praying and I find now it is hard for me to stay angry for more than a few minutes.

I believe my anger comes from fear and the more I work through that, the less anger I have.

xxjxx

The journey to being love

I have learned to accept compliments. I am no longer averse to being complimented. I no longer need to minimise or deflect compliments. I also am no longer dependent on compliments to feed my soul and make me feel good. I try to come from a heart space in every possible moment and although it is actually something I believe impossible for anyone to do every waking moment, I try, without feeling I need to do it perfectly or even close to perfectly. I know my intent is pure and my effort is great, the achievement means little to me in comparison.

I want to BE love. It is my goal, my purpose, my pledge. It is my promise - the gift I give myself. It is not enough for me to proclaim, profess, preach, ponder or pontificate over love. It is not enough for me to protest or procrastinate. I want to practice and perceive love in as many moments as possible - to be an open, willing, receptive conduit for pure, innocent, unconditional love

I do not see how it would be possible without humility. I do not believe I am any better than anyone else. I believe that we each and all have amazing, unique, gifts and talents to bring to this world. I don't believe I am lesser that anyone else either, although this took me longer to get to. I have learned that human beings need 'strokes', transactions (communications, words, behaviours, etc) that provide the psyche with stimuli. I have also learned that I need that more from within than from without and that if I meet my own needs in that, I can more easily accept what is and find my bliss. I am finding more and more that happiness comes to me more easily when I expect no praise or recognition for who I am or what I do. I am who I am and I am becoming more okay with that each day.

I regularly ask myself two questions:
1. Is this the me I want to be?
2. If I died today and God asked me, "are you happy with the way things ended?"

I want to say "yes!!!"

If the answer to either of those is no, I start reflecting on why and then I make changes. I decided long ago that I want to answer yes to both of those questions -that saying yes is really, important to me when I ask myself those questions. This is what makes it easier for me to walk the path towards being love because I am doing what I love by being who I am and by not judging others for doing what they do or being who they are. I like the me I am and I don't need approval from anyone to be able to BE love.

Wow!! What a journey life is!!

xxjxx