♋ Please God? ♋

As much as I am sure that God has faith in me & I in God, faith is easily tested and prayers can be forgotten in moments of trial. I believe it is those very moments when hardship threatens to overwhelm that faith has been created for and vice versa.

In her song "held" Natalie Grant sings that "the promise was, when everything fell we'd be held". I believe that too. Not for me a human God who would do nothing while I suffered! No, my God held me through the suffering so that I WOULD survive it. My God showed me seemingly tiny miracles that I refused to see. My God believed in me even when I turned away and my God shone Light into the blackest blackness to call me home again. My God gave me the one thing so long ago that could make me fight to win - my children and, my God fought beside me when I began to lose the battle.

I never knew any of that at the time and I was not ready to know. I am now, and I know God still carries me across every bridge, still walks with me through the deepest agonies, still loves me without any strings attached and I love my God. As I weather another storm and ride another wave of doubt, my God cries out through the darkness of my humanity to call my soul into the light, and I will follow willingly, for now I'm ready to be who I am created to be and my faith is pure and unbreakable - I love you God and I will follow you wherever you lead xxxx

Catching up

Hello again, it's been a while since I felt able to spare time for this blog.  I have a new job, a new place to live and a new challenge.

It's week 14 in my new job and I love it!  I'm making lots of mistakes (=learning) and there are many huge challenges but I really am enjoying it and I'm enjoying my life more too.  I have almost no time to myself but it feels really good to be working full-time again and paying tax.  I am very grateful for the pension I received while I worked hard at healing my mind/body/spirit from the brokenness of the past and now I have an income again, I'm trying really hard to create a new mindset for the way I view money too.  I have savings for only the 2nd time ever and it feels good!  I have an account for car costs and an account for utilities.  Every week, after I pay my rent, I deposit money into each account and then buy food, petrol, etc.  I even have some left over!  I'm really happy with how that's going and I thank God for the opportunity to learn.  In my old life, when I had heaps of money ($120,000 p/a), I felt completely powerless in how to use it and although I thought I was responsible with money, I gave my power away, to it and to others so this new finacial awareness is refreshing

My new home is gorgeous.  It is small and it is easy to keep clean, which is great with my health issues.  I can actually vacuum now - I just take my time and not push myself to 'get into it' like I once would have.  I have a massive Bhudda head in my loungeroom which inspires me to remember God/Love in my life and I have treated myself to a new comforter set for my bed which is bright and fresh and cheerful, in colours that remind me of the sea.  Although my man is only here 1 or 2 days each week and I miss him when he's not, I am also enjoying my own company in a way I never have before - hell, I used to hate being alone with me and would distract myself constantly but now - I love who I am becoming and I feel inspired by all of the amazing people in my life to keep growing, learning and being.

Yep, I love the way my life is right now and I've even started dreaming of one day owning my own hoe again - hopefully, I won't give the next one away :)

4 easy ingredients (for my healing)

It was once suggested to me that 4 things were needed for me to heal from the effects of childhood trauma:
1: safety
2: support (both professional and personal)
3: information (healthy and balanced)
4: connection to the inner child (right brain, emotional self, etc).

I loved the simplicity of this and embraced it entirely. I began looking at and becoming more aware of my own safety on every level which really helped me to find courage and inner strength. I set boundaries and learned to let others set boundaries of their own with me. I created safety in my own world and that made me feel safer in the outer world. As I learned to trust my own ability and intuition, I felt less afraid of everything.

I got a lovely counsellor to support me for 2 sessions every week and attended the workshops she ran Wich meant that in effect I had daily counselling for 2 years and I flooded myself with information about such things as healthy relationships; anger; self esteem; journalling; domestic violence; inner wisdom; sexuality and much more. I realized quickly that I had huge deficits in the area of life skills-there were things that a lot of other people took for granted as common sense that I had no concept of, so I read books written for children and teens too. There turned out to be so much I didn't know.

Eventually I remembered the feelings too-the inner child.

I know now (after 7 years of counselling and a huge amount of effort and tears, that the me I used to be is not the me I was born to be and not the me I am today. I have a dissociative identity but I am happy,whole and loved and now I even have hopes and dreams!! It's finally a wonderful life and I owe it to myself to enjoy it and keep moving forward xxxxx

Time to make some changes

I am moving house again in 2 days. Stepping into a brand new job-the first full time job I've had in 7 years! I feel scared, excited, sad, nervous and anxious but who wouldn't? I love the company, adore the staff, am in awe of the clients and am sincerely passionate about the cause so feelings or not, I'm ready to step up and serve, wish me luck xxx

Reclaim Christmas

I have reclaimed Christmas *JOY*.
As a small child I enjoyed giving and receiving love and as I grew, I received it much less but never stopped giving. Now, in my 40's, I have taken steps to ensure Christmas is joyful, I hope you can too.

Merry Christmas, I'm off to blow bubbles :-)

Applying for a job

I recognised the other day that I have never been successful with a written job application. Every job I got some other way-by word of mouth mostly, or by fronting up and asking. Maybe I was just meant to have those jobs? Yesterday I sent in an application and afterwards was tough to say the least! I am unwell, my critical selves tried to put me and my application letter down and for some reason, I had to see a huntsman spider ambling around a carpark in the rain, so my toddler selves were freaking right out. Thankfully I remembered to feel all of the emotions, do a couple of processes and to pray. Then I physically shook it off and nurtured with some 80's songs-I slept like a baby last night and even slept IN, needless to say, except for extreme pain, I feel pretty good today xxx

Uni 2012

Rang the uni 2day for enrollment & it seems their website info is not accurate-they are not offering a masters now but that may change in the 2 years I will be enrolled & I then just add anther 12 mnths to get that too. Worst case - I will have a Grad Dip by 2015 - yay me xxx

Heal For Life Foundation

Breaking campaign: TCO's Heal for Life campaign | B&T#.TpUNkpx7Xrx.facebook

Please tell all of your friends about Heal for Life Foundation. I believe in them with all of my heart and soul and they are doing amazing thngs for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse all around Australia and the world

Graduation

Booked my flights to attend my beautiful daughters' high school graduation in 2 weeks time... I feel excited (and it's okay to just feel it)

Out of character

I did something way out of character this week, I bought an iPhone! This is astounding me still coz I can't remember a time in my life b4 when I would have considered myself worthy of such extravagant non-necessity. Even stranger is the fact that it is still not bothering me 4 days l8r - good grief - am I healing? I guess I am xxx