Day 5

Congratulations - yay me!!!  Non smoker for 5 days now.  Each day seems to be more difficult than the last - I had expected each day to get easier but no.  Last night, I woke up at 4am and was not able to go back to sleep at all, even though I lay there for another three hours.  I had a module to present today and sleep would have been very welcome but I managed okay anyway (thank God).  At the end of the workshop, I really wanted a cig and almost gave in but I decided to wait.  I thought I'd check my emails and facebook page first and then see how I felt - talk about divine intervention - a handful of fb friends had left me messages of encouragement and support and as I read them, I almost cried.  I felt supported, loved, understood and encouraged and I felt very grateful.

I tend to do everything alone.  It's how I (unconsciously) learned to survive in infancy and childhood and was reinforced in my marriage.  I don't think to ask for support or help or much else and I had originally intended to keep my quitting to myself completely but at the last minute, I posted on fb, started to journal it here, and told a few close friends and colleagues so they might understand if I am not my usual self for a while.  I'm glad I did because I have received love and support which is strengthening my resolve - thank you all (you know who you are).

One of my biggest struggles has been to try to remember that my brain is doing the best it can to adjust to life (and especially stress) without lighting up.  I used cigs to cope with everything and I knew I was doing it and I allowed it and even cherished it for a while, keeping quitting in the back of my mind all the time but not pressuring myself in any way to go there until I felt ready.  I have learned to hlf (and therefore others) as I have healed and part of that empathy is understanding that my brain is doing it's best to cope with day-to-day life without the calming effects of nicotine.  I know studies have proven that nicotine creates anxiety and stress for the body/brain but studies have also shown that in PTSD patients, nicotine actually has the opposite effect and can even stop the symptoms of PTSD temporarily (Does Stress Damage the Brain by J Douglas Bremner, p 10).  For me, smoking used to be the only reason I stopped for rest breaks and the way I stopped myself dissociating while driving.  It was how I grounded myself and how I managed pain (especially extreme pain).  It acted as my crutch, my friend, my confidante even and I new I would miss it.  I knew I would struggle and I thought I was prepared but although I was very aware of why I smoked, I realise now that I had not fully understood the effect that quitting would have on my brain and that bis where my struggle lies right now.  I am not sleeping well even with my well-used techniques which once cured my insomnia.  Last night I awoke at 4am.  Tonight, I went to bed and to sleep and then I woke up thinking it must be 1,2,3, or even 4 am.  Imagine my horror when I discovered it was not even midnight!!!!!  My head is sore and I feel tired but I am unable, right now, to sleep!    I am questioning my timing, my preparedness and my wisdom but I am hanging in there for now.  I'm not sure how this will end except that I will have learned a lot either way.

nini xxxjxxx

day 4

OMG, I thought each day would get easier but I am finding it more difficult every day - does that mean I am really giving up - like - is my brain trying to come to terms with this and throwing out all the stops to draw me back into the addiction?  I feel sorry for my brain coz it has learned to cope with extreme stress and trauma through nicotine and does not yet realise I have other means of coping.

No smoking in my dreams last night but I did have a dream 'cluster'.  I get cluster migraines - a combination of cluster headaches and migraine.  Last night, I got all of the emotions usually associated with clusters but not the pain (thank God). It had something to do with me being punished for quitting but not maliciously.  I got the feeling my guys are testing my resolve to see how serious I am and I am very ready to prove myself to them.

I'm feeling really bored too.  It's like all I had was smoking to keep me busy and I don't quite know what to do with myself without cigarettes.  I didn't expect that.  I knew I would struggle but I expected headaches, irritibility, anxiety and a hard to break habit but I didn't expect to be bored.  Last time I gave up, I was working full time shift work so I didn't notice.  oh well, onwards and upwards.

hoping for a better day

Had a rough night last night.  Terrible stomach cramps and so hardly slept at all, feel like crap and really, really want a cig but not gunna have one anyway.  I had one in my dreams last night which freaked me out, especially coz I went to the house from hell to have the smoke (where I grew up).  I imagine there is a message in it somewhere but I am too tired and stressed to look right now - gotta finish packing and get my butt in the car :(  I just don't feel like it today.

xoxoxojxoxoxo

Day 2

Woke up this morning feeling free but instantly aware that I have not had a cig since 4am yesterday.  I really wanted to stay in bed today.  I really have an urge to curl up in bed for 1 whole day and I don't have time to do that for the next four weeks (drat).  Had a cup of earl grey again this morning, miss my coffee.  I used to drink too much coffee too but have cut down to 1 huge mug a day (unless I go out, which isn't very often).  I have my huge mug of coffee each morning and that's it BUT....I don't eat anything until noon and I don't drink any other fluid before 6pm!  It's insane and I'm trying to change it but my brain does not register thirst and only tells me I'm hungry when I am feeling starved.  Oh well, hopefully deciding to become a non-smoker will help me to reset my brain somehow.  Reptilian brain trauma - who'd have it?

excerpt from 'Trauma Informed Healing' by Heal for Life Foundation (Aus)

" Reptilian brain (instinctual):  The first brain to develop automatically controls the body's basic, vital functions such as heart rate, breathing, balance, body temperature, hunger, thirst and sexual urges.  It regulates the chemical balances and the rhythms of the body.  The reptilian brain includes the main structures found in a reptile's brain: the brainstem and the cerebellum, and is responsible for the basic emotions of fear, hate, contentment and rage.  Although reliable, the reptilian brain tends to be somewhat primitive, rigid and compulsive (Bone, 2009).  The actions of the reptilian brain are automatic and outside conscious control...

·        The brain stem is the area between the thalamus and the spinal column.  It houses the processes of our brain that are the most basic and vital to our survival such as heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, etc.

·        The cerebellum (Latin for ‘little brain’): scientists know relatively little about the cerebellum so far.  It is believed to be involved in physical movement, balance, language, music, posture, motor control and coordination but scans have shown it is also activated when the brain is processing mental tasks.  Jay Giedd says of the cerebellum:  

“It's like a math co-processor. It's not essential for any activity ... but it makes any activity better. Anything we can think of as higher thought, mathematics, music, philosophy, decision-making, social skill, draws upon the cerebellum “ (Frontline, PBS, 2002).

The cerebellum houses 50% of the neurons found in the brain despite the fact that it occupies only 10% of the total area of the brain.  Neurons link the cerebellum with the motor cortex.  A number of researchers are exploring a newly hypothesized connection between the cerebellum, dyslexia; learning problems; speech deficits; verbal memory; and cognitive, linguistic and affect disturbances (Dynevor , 2009-2010 ).  Disturbances in motor coordination and muscular weakness are apparent in people with cerebellum trauma.  Survivors of extreme trauma appear to have a high incidence of dyslexia (Heal For Life Foundation, 2011).   

After dinosaurs, our brains evolved a system of warning for danger that was automatic and able to ‘learn’. "

xoxoxoxox

Day 1

I decided last night, that even if the Zyban does nothing, I am giving up smoking today!

I got up at about 8am and instead of having my usual milk-coffee and cig, I had a mug of black earl gray and muffins instead.  I actually enjoyed it.  Spent the day with a friend and although I was really tempted at about 5pm, and getting desparate to have one, I reminded myself how many hours I had got through and how good I would feel if I got through till tomorrow without having one - so - no smoke today at all!!  Yay me!!

I wont be able to post every day for the next few weeks and it may be a few days (at least) between posts but I'll be back and I will be a dedicated non-smoker.

xoxoxjxoxox

d-day

its day 9 on the Zyban and I'm still smoking.  I'm still feeling pretty confident though coz nearly every cig makes me gag in some small way so there is some change happening, maybe it will be slower than last time?  I've also noticed that I don't crave cigs atm, which is really a huge breakthrough.  I have smoked about 4 times more than usual this week but I figure that is just kind of 'saying goodbye' with a bang.  I need to clean my car out today coz it will realy reek of stale tobacco and I can't drive if I'm up-chucking at the wheel

bye xoxoxo

i quit!!!

I have made a choice and spoken to my doctor.  I feel scared, anxious and excited, all at the same time - I am going to be a non-smoker very soon.  My dr agreed to give me Zyban, which I successfully used 10 years ago and I started the course yesterday so hopefully, I quit in 7 more days - yay me!!  the tastes of everything are already changing for me (including cigarettes) and I am getting ultra excited at the thought of beating this again.  Addiction takes away power and control, addiction is self-abuse, even though it is not entirely conscious and has physical origins. I hate being addicted to anything at all and I have decided that I want my body back!!!  Freeing myself from nicotine addiction is the first step I am taking towards getting back a healthy, happy body.   one step forward - onwards and upwards!!!!!!!

I had to go off my anti-depressants for a week before I could start the Zyban and I am aware of the problems I may face.  I am also aware that I have been irritable (but not too much) and that I need to observe my moods and behaviours for the next couple of months.  Last time I quit! I had no concept of how to cope with all of the emotions that quitting brought up.  This time, I am well armed.  I have had about 1000 hours of counselling over the past 7 years as well as doing 14 self-development courses and training in mental health and trauma informed care, i now instruct others in how to self care and heal themselves.  I have never been in a better position to quit! smoking and I really want to do it.  I quit! smoking 10 years ago and I thought I would never go back but in 2003, when I had to decide to leave my kids and my marriage, I felt alone and terrified and thought i didn't have anyone to turn to who understood.  A small voice in my head (thanks guyz) said that cigarettes had always been there for me and maybe they could help again so i had one, with the intention of smoking till I got through the hell I was in and I swore it was only temporary - and it was - it's 7 years later and the phase has ended.  I am sincerely thankful to the cigs for their support but I have to move on and let go and by God, that is exactly what I intend to do - goodbye addiction - it's been a hell of a ride for us both. xoxo
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Well, it's day 7 on the Zyban and so the quit day should/could be tomorrow.  I feel excited and I feel anxious and it's okay to feel my feelings, that will help me to quit too!  I feel anxious because I'm scared it wont work and I'll be still smoking next week/month/year.  I don't want that.  I really want my body back, and my feelings, my breath and my lungs.  I am praying that this works for me and I am aware that my smoking has trebled in the past week - maybe I'm trying to have as many as possible before I have no more?  It seems weird coz the week before, I cut my smoking in half - this past 7 days has more than made up for that.  Oh well, onwards and upwards xoxoxoxo

My amazing Brain

I was asked to write a booklet about Trauma Informed Care and it was a huge honour for me to do it.  i got to indulge my passion for research and writing as well as to respect my needs for self care and time flexibility.  I had a deadline but within that time frame, I was able to be flexible and pretty much be my own boss, I like life like that.  I finished the booklet yesterday and I have to say I am proud of it.  It appears to be well written, well set out, well thought out and informed, a big change for me actually.  I usually write without direction and I'm sure the big difference was having a frame around what was expected.  Ambiguous and vague direction creates a crisis in my brain because it seems to have a finite capabilty for processing information and with a challenge/question and no clear direction, it seems to turn into the widest ocean where all of the grains of sand mix, mingle and clash - my brain is awesome - I need to honour how it works and find things that suit my brain without trying to change it xoxoxo 

home again

got home again on Saturday arvo.  It was a slightly comical day as I agreed to drop a friend off at a train station on my way home and went in the wrong direction from the station which ended up adding 2 hours to my trip home.  It was good in that I was very mindful of my driving and not on auto-pilot like I usually am and I was also able to keep myself calm in a crisis and manouvre through city traffic alone and confidently - yay me :)  I treated myself to coffee with another friend after and a night out with a snuggle day today, watching hours of my fave shows.  Now I'm feeling relaxed, refreshed and hungry and tomorrow I'm out having a blood test and editing a booklet I've been writing for work, which I now have 3 days to get ready for printing - may not be on here for a while again but I will be back

xoxoxoxojxoxoxoxoxoxo

Health

Having spent a few days with my friends and feeling really sick while I did, I am beginning to cough less and hope more again.  I really hate being sick and I usually only suffer pain rather than illness so it is rare for me to get ill with anything but I have been sicker than I can remember being for a very long time and due to my car being off the road, 2 work periods being cancelled and no trips to the hydrotherapy pool, I was feeling extremely isolated and alone.
That was last month and this month is a new time.  I have a new project to focus on and new ideas and information to share while I wait for God to grant me back my car or an affordable alternative.  I have certainly gained empathy for people without vehicles who have to rely on public transport, not only is it unreliable , uncomfortable and unaffordable, it is also downright inconvenient and dehumanising.  Too bad if nature calls when you're on a bus.  Too bad if you feel sick on a train.  Too bad if you can't even get to a bank for cash to pay your fares, use your card an get charged extra - lots of staying home alone for me right now.  I wish I had a treadmill so that I could at least go for walks again, or that my body would miraculously heal itself so that I am allowed to walk up hills again without knowing I am encouraging time to speed up and lead me to disability.  xoxjxox