Love is the fabric of my existence.  It doesn't matter what name I call it by, it will still be Love.  I choose to call it God when I pray but I have learned that I can call it anything I like and it still exists exactly the same as it always did and always will.  I have also learned that all the times I feared calling it by ANY name, those were simply my need to keep it small because I myself felt too small to exalt in it fully and with unbridled passion and faith.  Once I could let go of my need to fear it, hate it, avoid it, cling to it, depend on it, control it and blame it, I began to see that it can only really exist within me.  I began to understand that anything I could not accept in myself and others was simply an image of what I could not accept about Love.  I know now that loving mySelf unconditionally is the only way for me to experience at-one-ment, unity consciousness, full unity with God, Bliss.

It may never happen, I may be unable to achieve it but knowing me as I do now, I doubt that very much.  I have a fire inside me that drives me forward and although at times it threatens to scorch and consume me, it feeds my passion, gives me tenacity and drive and keeps me focused so now I can love the fire too.  I feel excited by that because over the past 12 years I have actively learned to love the air, wind and water within me but still feared the fire and now, I can truly thank God for my fire.  

I could not see this clearly before and I blamed a lot of other people for igniting this thing within me that I refused to acknowledge.  I feared it and hated them.  I called them abusers and justified my hatred by judging THEIR behaviors.  They HURT me!  I feel so blessed to be able to see now that they have TAUGHT me more than anyone else could have.  Those 'perpetrators' have taught me to love myself, to value myself, to protect myself, to nurture myself.  

I used to hate myself with all the conscious, subconscious and unconscious passion I could muster.  As these other people defiled, degraded, humiliated, provoked, belittled and abused me, I slowly came to see that I was worth more than that.   It took me 35 years to even comprehend that I did not have to 'accept' abuse and that by me walking away, I had all the power to stop it.  So, these people whom I used to fear, judge and hate have taught me invaluable lessons like how to say no; how to walk away; how to fight fair; how to demand and then to command respect; introspection; communication; how to love myself more than my need to be loved by others; how to make Love more important to me than ANYthing else.  They have taught me to let go of infantile attachments, seek a Love greater than I have ever known and find it deep within myself.  Now that I can recognise the incredible gifts they have given me, I find it impossible to fear, hate  or judge them anymore.  Better yet, they taught me to so thoroughly reject abuse in all forms that I have even lost all desire to abuse myself now too. Anything I become aware of within me as non-loving, I take immediate steps to change now: my attitude, my diet, my environment, my thoughts, my behaviors.  It's all got to go.  No alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, chemicals, animal products, gossip, condemnation, blame, malice, shaming, intolerance, abusing others or nature.  

I can now accept that sometimes I will have unloving thoughts, behaviors, energy and feelings and that by loving and accepting that, I can use these to guide me further into my consciousness to reveal whatever those reflections are for me, believing that this world mirrors everything I unknowingly project into it.  It's an incredible feeling.

I'm not perfect and I no longer want to be.  I want simply to be always filled with the Love I know I am capable of feeling, expanding and transferring.  I am here for Love alone, whatever it gets called and I can think of no greater way to Love myself or you.

Onwards and upwards

June P