Annette Noontil (Your Body is the Barometer to Your Soul so be Your Own Doctor II) wrote that "my only responsibility is to be happy". That quote has helped me immensely in my quest to let go. I rejected her notion at first because it challenged the beliefs I had at the time. As I've opened my mind and heart more and realised how limiting and disabling many of my old beliefs were, I find her quote very helpful. Making my happiness my only responsibility has liberated me. Not only does it serve to remind me that my happiness is vital to my healing, it also has taught me not to try to expect others to shoulder more than what is theirs either.
I was reminded this week (more patterns I observed in life) that once not so very long ago, I believed that I had no choices. I was so trapped by fear (my own and that of others) that I was conditioned to believe that I had no options other than what I was experiencing. I believed back then that life was some kind of horror film to be endured in agony and despair and that the only thing possible to hope for was death and so I longed for life to be over and never learned what living was.
I feel sad about that and I feel so overwhelmingly grateful that I am no longer chained to those thoughts and beliefs because it is not even close to true. I do have choices. Everything I experience as an adult, arises through a choice that I have made and I am responsible not only for the choices I make, I am also responsible to own the consequences of the choices. I am learning to accept that every action and thought of mine has a consequence and can help me to learn more about myself and others. Blaming is not conducive to my pursuit of happiness. Blaming is merely a synaptic map in my brain born of fear. I choose love and I strive to change those brain maps and look at circumstances without needing to blame, and it's hard, sometimes very hard to catch my mind slipping into that old pattern of needing to assign blame, needing someone or something to take responsibility for what I have created with my own mindlessness. I believe mindfulness is the highway to my healing and although my brain still welcomes the safety and comfort of unawareness, it it getting easier to practice mindfulness much more often than was once possible.
Through mindfulness I have learned who I am and who I want to be. I have learned what makes me happy and I've learned that I don't have to or need to control everything. I've learned that if I am not in control of me, I am out of control and so will everything around me be. I have recognised that life gives me cues, tips, answers and signposts to support me on my journey towards mindfulness and that I have often ignored those patterns. I try to recognise them now and not beat up on myself when I miss them because I trust there will be more to come and there always is. I am learning that when chaos and crises beset me, I have a choice as to what I take out of it and whether or not to allow the storm to batter and beat me, to ride it out with love or to take shelter from it and wait till it passes over. I have learned that after every storm, I can trust there will be a rainbow. I have learned that after confusion (storm) comes clarity (rainbow).
Mindfulness has helped me to find myself and the many, many, different aspects of me. I have explored so many facets of myself and I intend to continue exploring. I have found parts of myself I had once despised, loathed, feared and misunderstood. I have also found parts of myself that provide me with great joy and peace and I am determined that whatever it takes, I am committed to finding a way to love every atom of my being unconditionally and extend that same love toward others and all things. Nothing in this life will bring me greater joy and the learning has already made my life more incredible than I once had the capacity to imagine. I have learned that every part of who I am is what makes me who I am. Every part of me has something very worthwhile to contribute and to offer to me. Every part of me is a miracle.
I may have been raised with not-good-enough-parenting but now I have the opportunity to reverse what I have 'learned' and re-parent myself. I aim to love each part of my being unconditionally, without strings attached, without fear as if each part of me were a real child or person and to have no 'favourites', loving each part equally, generously and without judgment. I'm slowly getting there and I do not delude myself that it will be easy. I do believe that it is simple though -through mindfulness.
Recreating my awareness is a foundation stone for me. How can I love every part of me if I allow myself or others to reject it, refuse to acknowledge it, malign it, abuse it, criticise it, rescue it, abandon or neglect it, if I dissociate from it? I do not believe I can and so I welcome and greet each new aspect of my being with open arms and I lovingly walk alongside others with patience as they do the same for themselves. I have no expectation of others than for them to be exactly who they are in that precise moment and love them regardless of their behaviour. Any time I find myself unable to do that, I reflect inward and look for what I am unable to see in myself because I believe that every person I meet and hear about has a gift of learning for me and that belief feels much better than the old toxic beliefs I once set such store in.
In the past 10 years I have met and heard about people who have taught me so much and helped me to find hope, courage, strength and love and I am grateful now for every person I have ever encountered. Some of those people I once hated or rejected but not now. Now that I am committed to being unconditional love, I thank them too for being exactly who they are - perceived friend or foe and I love them unconditionally too. Sometimes I lapse and sometimes I wonder if I can do it but it's who I want to be so I am doing it anyway and I feel so much better for it that I don't want to go back to believing anymore what I once judged them in my mind to be. It was not them I hated, it was there behaviours. Many people challenge me on that from their own fear and pain but I once would have challenged it too so who am I to judge? My only responsibility is to be happy and I am, I would not be if I was unable or unwilling to grant others the same grace.
I am the parent of my spiritual self and I want to care for and cherish myself as much as I care about and cherish my own wonderful children and grandchildren, who I am captivated by. They are miracles to me, teachers of divinity and light that guide me towards love and they have no responsibility to me, they owe me nothing. They have taught me so very much about love and I am eternally grateful for the gifts of their being and for the opportunity to have shared so many wonderous moments of my existence with them. They have been so instrumental in my journey towards myself and towards love and I aim to feel the same way about myself and others as I do about them. They have taught me how to parent and I still have much to learn so I am learning; gratefully, wholeheartedly, mindfully and joyously.
I have now re-experienced many of the healthy childhood developmental stages a child with 'good-enough' parenting moves through as they 'grow up'. That has taken a lot of hard work, tears, fears, love, endurance and courage. I did not find it easy as a 36 year old, feeling as vulnerable as a newborn for 2 years while I moved through the symbiotic stage of my development so I could learn to trust! As exhilarating as it sometimes was, I did not find it easy to be a teenager for the first time at 35 or to face my own mortality many times over and question my very existence as those who are nearing the end of a long life usually do. I did not find it easy to re-enter education feeling once again like a 6 year old in a classroom and navigating all of the questions and feelings that arose in me just as they had tried to arise in me decades ago. I have been blessed in this re-creation. I have recognised that, just as it takes a community to raise a child, so too have I needed others to help me re-parent myself. People I have learned to trust, lean on, give back to. Every single person has had something valuable to share, the angels by my side, and this journey to awakening has been painful but oh so worth it.
I have learned that pain is not my enemy, it is my guide and I believe that through mindfulness, I can release pain and let it go with love to come to a place where fear and pain are no longer responsible for my awakening and that I and only I am responsible for me and for what I think, feel, do and say, for my happiness.
Onwards and upwards
xxjxx
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