29 Aug 2014

Approval

As I reflect I realise that for all of my life I have been seeking approval, from my parents, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, children, teachers, acquaintances, friends, strangers -approval. I longed for it, fought for it, cried for it, pined for it -approval.  I was 38 years old before I got approval from myself, before I finally gave me approval and yet I still have been seeking it from others.  

I'm realising ever so slowly that it is a futile search and a disempowering one too.  It is not fair to me nor to anyone I'm seeking approval from.  The way that I choose to feel is my responsibility and no one else's.  I now realise that when I expect others to approve of me, I'm unconsciously asking them to judge me.

I wish I'd seen this before now.  I'm sure I was not ready before now to see it though and now that I do, I want to change it.  I forgive myself and I'm glad I see this now.  Letting go of my attachment to approval is so liberating and empowering.

Life is not a personality contest.  It is not about approval.  Other people owe me nothing nor do I owe anyone else.  Today I take more responsibility for me and give everyone else the same grace.

May the need for approval rest in peace, I've got happy living to do.

xxjxx

20 Aug 2014

Letting go

I recently asked God to help me let go of my attachment to being right and to walk beside me while I go through it-why?

I thought it through very carefully, what I really needed God's help with.  I considered what it might mean.  I even thought for a moment that maybe I was mad.  I did not for one moment, think it would be easy.  I was sure it would be really hard and really painful.  I felt scared.  I also felt sure.

I am living my life to BE love.  I feel scared a lot and fear does not feed my soul.  My soul does not know or even recognise fear.  I believe fear is simply a human illusion perpetuated to control, but it's not real.  Danger is real but not fear.  Fear is what I feel when I'm not feeling love.  

I don't know what other souls want or need.  I don't know what other people want or need (unless they honestly share it with me).  I will not read minds or make assumptions.  I will patiently wait while others work things out for themselves and I will stand strong beside them when they ask.  I will not disempower anyone by reading their mind because to me that is violating their emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries.  That is not who I am.  That is not who I want to be.  

I want and choose to BE love.  I want and need to breathe love, see love, feel love, hear love, think love and live love.  I do not want to pretend it, I want to be real.  I am not out to impress anyone, hurt anyone, fool anyone or let anyone down.  My purpose is simple and clear and it is enough for me.  

I love supporting people-listening and walking alongside.  I do not do it FOR anyone else but dearly love to do it WITH them.  Sadly many people seem to want me to be what they want me to be and do not see me but merely their perception of me and I feel truly sad about that but still I will not pretend to be something I'm not.   I will feel that sadness, pain, grief and fear and I will shine ever brighter because I am sure of love, sure of God and sure of my own purpose.  Loving all others is my commitment to myself and to others.  I used to think love was about being kind but I've grown up since then and I think love is about being real, genuine, honest.  I wish I were better at it and I know I have quite a way to go but my intention is set.  I appreciate more now the people who are unkind (when they are honest and not abusive) as they help me grow as much as kind people do. 

Letting go of my attachment to being right is one of the most serious and difficult things I've ever committed to. I want truth in my ears, love in my eyes, passion in my heart and strength in my mind.  I want to serve with humility and compassion and needing to be right will stand in my way so I'm letting go of that attachment to free myself and realise my dream.  I will let go of most of what I have soon so I am unencumbered by 'things' too.  I want to commit to making things simple for myself again.  I have realised over the last little while how tired I am of chaos.  I gave up drama years ago and am still stunned at times how much drama there is in the world.  I don't want that anymore.  

Love is what I need and want and I want that attachment to be rock solid and unshakeable.

Love, love, love

All I need is love

xxjxx

11 Aug 2014

Purpose

A few years ago I was reading a book by Dr Wayne Dyer and he wrote about purpose, wondering if, supposing I came from God and God was love (and God knows and is nothing more than love) what purpose would I have asked God to let me come here and fulfill?  For a few weeks I pondered this and tried to find something about it to reject but it had struck a chord within me as I tried reflecting back on my life to discover if, in fact, my life had all been a journey to fulfill some greater calling, some purpose. What if, I wondered, I really was a soul born from love, here to have a physical existence to fulfill some divine intent of my own request?  What would that request have been?  What path have I really been on?  What is the answer to why I'm here at all?

One morning, I sat atop a large boulder under some gum trees to continue my reflection when suddenly it hit me "I came here to experience love!! To feel love, be love, give love, receive love, have love, lose love, enjoy love, grieve the loss of love, rejoice in love - to really, through every sense - experience love.  Love, the essence of life, the glory of creation, the blessing of being, the guiding light.  Love, for so long elusive and unobtainable.  How could this be my purpose though, when I had been so hurt and wronged? I imagined I had gotten a very raw deal if this was indeed my purpose on this earth but then, my mind dared to wonder if maybe I was still looking at this through unseeing eyes.  

Suddenly my perspective shifted again and I began to see how all of my life to that point had possibly helped and supported my journey to fulfilment.  I had previously seen only what abuse had done to me and never considered that it may have also worked for me.  I see it now but I resisted the knowledge at first because I was not quite ready to let go of the blame.  I was not quite ready to accept the ultimate responsibility, that I may have indeed asked to come here.  Did that mean I was to blame for what I went through!  If I accepted responsibility, was I absolving the hurters?  Would everything change if I believed it? 

I found it thrilling and scary all at once.  I experienced what I can only describe as momentary enlightenment that day. My entire life, my history, my pain, suddenly it all made so much sense.  Those hurters gave me the gift of showing me, very clearly, what love is not and in so doing, they too helped me on my journey to fulfill my souls true purpose - to fully experience love in human form.  To experience the complexities of life, the powerful energy in motion within me (e+motion), the endurance of my spirit and the courage of my heart.  My whole existence has meaning and purpose.  I finally felt that I had meaning and purpose and I have been unwilling to hate ever since.  I have finally found forgiveness and clarity.  While my ego attempts to seduce me with fear and blame, my soul holds to Ghandi with, "be the change you want to see in the world."

Many people find me intense, frustrating, annoying and simplistic.  I don't need them to like me as life is not a personality contest and I'm not here to meet the needs of others through becoming a chameleon liked I became so used to doing when I knew no better.  What I do need is to love God with all my heart and soul and love my neighbour as I love my self (and love myself as I love my neighbour).   These words took on a whole new meaning for me that day and now, although I know it will not be easy in any way, it is simple and I am committed to fulfilling my own destiny - I am love and that is my sole and my soul purpose.

Until next time

xxjxx