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Feelings???

Feelings are a way I can 'know' myself.  Until 2004, I didn't know I had any feelings besides numb and bliss.  At one point, I thought I must have bi-polar because it seemed to me like I was depressed and suicidal one day and then deliriously excited the next.  I could not have conceived that there were a whole range of emotions in between and I certainly would never have thought that I had any feelings but those 2 - how I have changed!!

I have been treated for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sucide attempts, self-harm and been suspected of having borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar!  I don't have any of these problems and the behaviours/symptoms no longer exist either!  I am healthy and sane and I have been tested to prove it!

When I first became 'educated' and 'informed' of what feelings it is possible for me to have, I went too far and decided that there were only 4 feelings - love, anger, sadness and fear (because I read it somewhere and liked the simplicity of that).  I gradually realised that feelings have hues and shades like color does and decided to lighten up on myself (and my feelings) and allow myself the opportunity to explore the less extreme emotions and gentler tones within.

Michael Leunig http://www.leunig.com.au/biography/  is a cartoonist, philosopher, poet and artist who writes delightful and simple books and I love his idea that there are only 2 feelings - LOVE and FEAR.  I also love that, as a unique individual, I have a range of hundreds if not thousands of emtional shades in between these two feelings.  I've even got lists of feelings.  I have lists of feeling words and lists of feeling pictures.  I have even explored color co-ordinating my feelings and I recently discovered that I FEEL music too.  Sometimes, I hear a song in my head and it helps me to work out how I am feeling.  When I listen to music of any kind, I can find my feelings changing as I listen or that I am feeling something more fully.  I have a very diverse music collection ranging across cultures, themes and time.  There is not may musical sounds and combinations I don't like and my heart leads me to choose music depending on the purpose I need music for.   For this I am grateful because there is no comparison for me between feeling overwhelmingly numb and grievously sad.  I would much rahter feel grief than numbness ANY day!

I have learned to accept what I am feeling and honour the feeling.  To really feel my feelings.  I have a long way to go and I still miss a lot of my feelings but I have a goal to feel them all as they arise and I trust that I will acheive my goal coz I know me well enough to know that.  I've also learned how to manage my feelings - instead of my feelings managing me - I have learned a very simple and effective tool which is known as "DE-TRIGGERING".  I learned it from a wonderful place called The Heal For Life Foundation  http://healforlife.com.au/  .  "DE-TRIGGERING" helps me to function in a healthy way and not take anything that anyone else says or does too personally.  It helps to calm my mind.   Whenever I have flashbacks or nightmares; when I am unable to think; when I am overwhelmed; when i want to rage at someone or run in terror' I "DE-TRIGGER" and I can function again.

There are 3 steps to "DE-TRIGGER":

1 Recognise I've been 'triggered'

2 Speak the feeling ("I feel, sad, scared, angry, etc)

3 Validate the feeling/s - tell myself it's okay to feel the way I am feeling

There are physical reasons why this works but I am not going to go into that right now.  Let me say that this is a marvelous tool for me and I don't dare to think where I would be today if I had not had the privilege of learning about it and learning to use it.  I know it works for me in the car, at the shops, in the bathroom, at the airport, with other people, alone, anywhere and everywhere and that makes me feel safe and in control of myself.  It has helped me to trust myself and others more and it has helped me understand myself better too.  Looking into someone's eyes when I say the feeling is recommended and I've also found I can do it as a visualisation in a fraction of a second so there really is nowhere I can't use this tool!  I love that!!!!!

Anyhoo, that's all I've got time for now.  Perhaps there will be more to this later and perhaps not.

cya xoxoxo

Why Jhundi?

A dear friend, who is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, began calling me Jhundi soon after we met and it is the first 'nickname' I have taken no offense to.  I'm not sure if it means anything but I have decided to adopt that name for now and see how long it lasts.

My heart has told me to create this blog and it is my first ever attempt.  I don't know why I need to do this or what will become of it but I do know to trust my heart.  It has been a long journey of discovery and very hard but oh so very worthwhile to and I am committed to my heart now in every way so HEART - this one's for you xoxoxo Jhundi xoxoxo